Cop Worried Dealer Is Spitting in His Cocaine
SEATTLE — Seattle Police Lieutenant Chuck Haines is beginning to worry that his dealer may be tampering with his cocaine,…
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Ryan Danley
85 stories found
Republicans Can’t Decide if Pineapple Belongs on Boots or Not
WASHINGTON — Republicans across the nation are reckoning with a party-wide fissure over whether pineapple is a suitable topping for…
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Tattoo Artist Really Moved How This Frog Represents Customer’s Dead Sister Or Something
LOS ANGELES — Local tattoo artist “Big” Frank Kowlaski admitted today that he was profoundly impacted by a tattoo he…
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Legendary “Field Of Dreams” Now Just Mass Grave for COVID Deaths
DYERSVILLE, Iowa — The magical “Field of Dreams” that once hosted the ghosts of baseball greats like “Shoeless” Joe Jackson…
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Hey! The Real Fascists Are the Ones Getting Arrested off the Street by Unidentified Heavily Armed Military Jack Booted Thugs Lead by an Authoritarian Megalomaniac Leader!
I know all you libs are sitting home and watching the Lamestream Media right now. You’re seeing these “protestors” get…
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Glenn Danzig Somehow Not The Most Ridiculous Singer Of The Misfits
LOS ANGELES — Former Misfits vocalist Michale Graves has successfully unseated Glenn Danzig as the band’s most ridiculous vocalist following…
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Crisis Actor Tired of Being Typecast As Father of Dead Kid
WASHINGTON — Worried about industry typecasting, representatives of local crisis actor Daniel Mauer say he is seeking a wider range…
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Basement Hostages Blissfully Unaware of Pandemic
SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — 64-year-old captor Charles Lynn Gartner’s basement-dwelling hostages remain blissfully unaware of the global crisis happening right outside…
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Quarantined Stoner Trying to Form One-Person Drum Circle
LINCOLN, Neb. — Local stoner Dan “Stems” Thompson overcame the crushing despair of social isolation today by attempting to create…
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When Are Cokeheads Going to Get Their Own Holiday?!
I am so sick of being left out. Every year 4/20 rolls around and the entire country throws this huge…
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