I’ll Find Waldo for Free, and I’ll Kill Him for $10k June 11, 2021 Alright, now. Listen to me. You all know me, or at least, you know my reputation. You know how I… Read More →
Captain Planet Now a Paid Consultant for ExxonMobil June 10, 2021 HOUSTON — Famed environmental superhero and holographic android Captain Planet announced he would be accepting a position as a paid… Read More →
5 Troubling Signs My Cat Doesn’t Actually Appreciate The Mighty Mighty Bosstones June 10, 2021 Studies show pets often take on the characteristics and habits of their owners. Okay, well if that’s true, then my… Read More →
Man on Flight Unsure if It’s Against Rules to Lower Mask to Use Vomit Bag June 5, 2021 CHICAGO — A passenger on American Airlines Flight 3077 was reportedly concerned whether he was allowed to lower his mask… Read More →
I’m “Jessie’s Girl” and I’m Here to Say I Don’t Know Who Either of Those Guys Are May 28, 2021 Okay, this is important, everyone: I’m the girl from “Jessie’s Girl,” and I’m here to say that I don’t know… Read More →
Police Academy Graduation Reminds Students It’s Been a Long Hard Six Weeks May 28, 2021 CHICAGO — Cadets of the Chicago Police Academy were reminded of the exhausting six weeks of training they endured in… Read More →
Opinion: Take It From Me, a Fictional Strawman Invented to Score Political Points: It’s Time to Get Back to Work May 27, 2021 Listen, everyone. We all know this last year of Covid-19 quarantine has been tough on everyone, and those extra hundos… Read More →
Oh You’re a Nirvana Fan? Name Three Steps on Noble Siddhartha’s Fourfold Path to Enlightenment May 24, 2021 Hey, nice t-shirt. Nirvana. You think you’re a Nirvana fan? Sure, kid. Whatever you say. Okay big shot, how 'bout… Read More →
Dammit, My Kink Got Mainstreamed Again May 23, 2021 Yet again, my highly specific sexual fetish has somehow become part of the zeitgeist. This is exactly the opposite of… Read More →
3 Things I Don’t Understand About the Israel-Palestine Conflict, Plus 5 More I Don’t Understand About Basic Life Shit May 21, 2021 I’ve never claimed to be a particularly smart man, but I do try to keep well-informed. The world is a… Read More →