Page 8 – HARDTIMES

September 15, 2020

PHILADELPHIA — Local vegan Courtney Demming was pepper-sprayed by Philadelphia police during a peaceful protest yesterday, but declined the offer…

September 9, 2020

LORTON, Va. — Local man Devin Caulfield is now in his 11th year of attempting to explain his Screeching Weasel…

September 6, 2020

Thirty years ago I married the most beautiful woman in the world. I know everybody says that about their wife…

August 15, 2020

LOS ANGELES — Unpopular streaming platform Quibi was visited yesterday by the ghost of NBC’s now-defunct streaming platform SeeSo, warning…

August 1, 2020

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Career landlord and general piece of shit Tyler Simpson was devastated to learn today that he’s also…

July 27, 2020

TUCSON, Ariz. — Local cop and racist bully Dennis Peters, who once brought a gun to Roosevelt High School in…

July 4, 2020

LOS ANGELES — The 1981 kidnapping of a young woman by the KKK is being reexamined by the LAPD following…

June 14, 2020

COSTA MESA, Calif. — Local man Nate Mullins, a self-described “punker” and the world’s youngest Pennywise fan, turned 40 years…

June 3, 2020

DALLAS — White liberal and exhausted local ally, Sonya Neptin, is wondering how many tweets they have to write before…

May 29, 2020

Last night the people of Minneapolis rose up and set fire to a police precinct in response to the murder…