Aging Scenester Distraught Emo Kids No Longer Learning About Cursive
DAYTON, Ohio — Local 38-year-old scenester James Adkins is bemoaning to anyone who will listen that up-and-coming emo kids are…
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John Dixon — Page 4
63 stories found
Sleepy Punk Puts Tiny Nightcaps On Each Individual Mohawk Spike
ST. LOUIS — Acquaintances of chronically fatigued punk Anthony Mafodda are reportedly perplexed by the rocker’s nocturnal habit of sheathing…
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Local Crust Punk Scene Veteran Just a Pigeon
NEW YORK — The Lower East Side crust punk scene is gripped by debate over the credibility veteran scene icon…
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So-Called Pianist Doesn’t Even Know Any Castlevania Songs
BOSTON — The musical credentials of Berklee College of Music-trained pianist Bryan Adkins were called into question after it was…
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God Damn It: Fantasy Novel Has a Bunch of Songs in It
CHARLESTON, S.C. — Horrified readers across the nation are reporting highly anticipated fantasy novel Obelisk of Dawn is packed with…
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Perfectly Soundproof Practice Space Also Slowly Suffocating Band Members to Death
WILMINGTON, Del. — Members of the band Temporary Joy were unaware that their perfectly soundproof practice space is also slowly…
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‘98 Civic Apparently Not Classic Enough for Rockabilly Scene Cred
DAYTON, Ohio — Local car enthusiast Daniel Wagner learned yesterday that his customized 1998 Honda Civic is not yet “classic”…
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The Hard Times Runs Out of Normal Books, Is Large Print Okay?
NEW YORK — The Hard Times ran out of small print and medium-sized print copies of their new book, “The…
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High School Gym Teacher Might Be Henry Rollins
ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Edison High School was set ablaze with speculation last week that it’s gym teacher, Douglas Vesely, might…
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Dungeon Master Really Wishes Player Wouldn’t Swish Dice in Their Mouth Before Every Roll
GREENVILLE, S.C. — A local Dungeons and Dragons group is being torn apart by player Martin Bellamy’s insistence on swishing…
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