Hegseth Prays for Blessing From Boondock Saints

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — In light of mounting pressure from several global conflicts, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth led top Pentagon officials in prayer seeking blessings from The Boondock Saints, Pentagon insiders confirm. 

“Alright, I’m gonna ask everyone to hold hands, but not in a gay way! Anyone holding hands in a weak, LGBTQ manner will be dismissed immediately,” began Hegseth to his staff, adding “You know what? Skip the hand holding, we’re not girls. As you all know, the bible is an incredibly important part of my warrior ethos. I would like you all to join me in reciting this important passage. ’And shepherds we shall be, for Thee, my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee And teeming with souls shall it ever be. In Nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti.’ Leviticus, 13:12. May the Saints of Boondock be our guiding hand!” 

Officials present for the prayer meeting found the proceedings to be hollow and uninspiring. 

“Yeah, he pretty clearly thinks the Boondock Saints are actual saints,” confided a top Pentagon official who chose to remain anonymous. “Also we looked up Leviticus 13:12 and it’s nothing like that, it’s just like a mandate for treating leprosy. This is like when I first expressed hesitation over attacking Iran and he just recited The Litany of Fear from Dune, or, as Hegseth called it, Luke 20:16. That man is not well” 

The official reported similar incidents of Hegseth’s performative and wildly inaccurate quotings of scripture.

“His first meeting of the Chief’s he opened with ‘God Grant me the power to change what I can, and the serenity to kick ass.’ He then attributed the quote to his favorit book of the bible, The Book of Eli. We all know Pete doesn’t know shit about the bible, but is he even watching these movies?” 

At press time Hegseth was meeting with his top spiritual advisors, Troy Duffy and Harvey Weinstein. 

Has Technology Gone Too Far? AI Just Came for This Guy’s Job as Well as His Wife, Kids, and Assets

Posted on by Bobby Korec

First, it came for Aaron Blake’s software developer job. Then it confiscated his wife and children. And if that wasn’t enough, AI just came for Aaron’s four-bedroom house, Honda Civic, 401(k), and rare collection of Kirby Puckett baseball cards. Has technology gone too far? It might be too early to tell. Unless you’re Aaron. Then probably yes.

Sure, some are saying that AI’s ability to take your checking account, index funds, and Fabergé eggs is a small price to pay if it means ChatGPT is capable of writing the rest of us a grocery list in as little as seven highly curated prompts. Just because technology destroyed the life of one person doesn’t mean it will ruin it for the rest of us, right? Right?!

And to think, Aaron just got that promotion, witnessed the birth of his third child, and bought a jet ski. Too bad he won’t get to enjoy any of it anymore. That’s what artificial intelligence is for now. No, now all Aaron can do is wonder how much greed is too much for technology. You can run, but you can’t hide from Generative AI.

You thought it was bad when Google crammed Gemini down our throats? You thought Microsoft jamming Copilot into all of its software was a bit much? Well, tell that to Aaron, who currently lives on the street holding a photo of his wife as a reminder of what humanity once was before people started casually throwing around the phrase “machine learning.” At this point, we are at the mercy of NVIDIA. 

But what’s next for technology? Well, AI could be coming for the last 36 bucks Aaron currently has in his wallet. Then, after it still isn’t satisfied, it’ll come for the clothes on Aaron’s back as well as his Instagram followers, Social Security number, and all of his memories. The only thing he’ll be left with is his student loan debt. Not even AI wants anything to do with that shit.

Rattail Artfully Tucked Into Collar for Interview

Posted on by Skyler Hanrath

PORTLAND, Ore. — Prospective job candidate Colin Hartnell artfully tucked his lustrous rattail beneath his shirt collar before his first interview at Fred Meyers, a major Pacific Northwest grocery chain’s corporate offices, effectively concealing what he considers to be a “key part of his look” in hopes of securing the position, confirmed sources.

“A job’s a serious thing that requires a serious hairstyle. You want to look presentable whenever you’re going out for one,” said Hartnell. “But a core element of presentation is the hiding of unsightly elements of your person that, say, the more ‘buttoned up’ corporate types might frown upon. That’s why my r-tail goes inside the collar whenever I get an interview. It’s been with me for the past nine years, despite it being kryptonite for steady employment.”

Hiring manager Jackie Lewis noted that the company doesn’t explicitly ban rattails, but they are frowned upon.

“I could see that rattail the moment he walked in,” said Lewis. “I think he thought he was being subtle, sneaking it into his collar like that, but that thing’s thick. It looked like he was smuggling a Pringles tube on the back of his neck. The button on his collar looked like it was about to shoot off like a champagne cork. The interview went alright, but I’m not confident he’ll move ahead.”

The rattail’s long been a symbol of punk and alt communities, a sort of scummy sibling to the more dressy ponytail. 

“A rattail’s tricky to pull off,” said Portland-based stylist Percy DeAngelo. “It suggests the person who has it is behind on paying child support and ready to fight you about it. If you don’t mind those connotations, then great, grow that little vermin lock to your heart’s content. But if you’re, say, looking to receive a paycheck for services rendered, it’s best to either get rid of it entirely or hide the thing.”

At press time, Hartnell was seen fanning the rattail around his neck to reduce the collar strain, giving him an arguably worse look that’s unlikely to help him through a second interview.

Mom Gently Explains to Son Tooth Fairy Is Just Metaphor for How State Extracts Value From Your Body

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local mother Erin Walsh sat her young son down for a quiet, heartfelt conversation about growing up and gently explained that the Tooth Fairy is not real, but rather a metaphor for how the state extracts value from the human body, sources confirmed.

“The Tooth Fairy isn’t actually a magical being who gives you money for your teeth,” Walsh said calmly, kneeling beside her son’s bed. “It’s a story we tell children to help them understand how large institutions extract value from a person’s body, assign it a monetary value, and return only a small portion of that value to give the appearance of fairness so people continue participating in a fundamentally exploitative system. If only eight-year-olds understood this.”

Walsh’s son said the explanation helped him better understand some of their other family traditions.

“Now I realize Santa Claus is just an example of the normalization of state-sponsored surveillance and coercive behavioral compliance practices used to enforce obedience at scale while completely ignoring personal privacy and freedom,” Caleb Walsh said. “And Easter egg hunts are merely small-scale exercises designed to show how generationally advantaged individuals are able to identify and claim valuable resources, ignore borders and land ownership rights, and hoard as much wealth as possible at the expense of others, under the guise of competition, exceptionalism, or some preordained moral authority.”

Political scientist Dr. Aaron Feld noted that these myths and traditions have long functioned as early demonstrations of real-world power structures.

“Childhood myths like the Tooth Fairy have always been simplified frameworks for understanding how exploitative, inequitable, and detrimental our geopolitical, socio-economic structures are,” Dr. Feld explained. “This allows children to recognize these dynamics and reject them outright rather than internalize and unwittingly participate in them, or worse, actively promote these practices and become the oppressor. But I honestly can’t imagine anyone would ever do that. You would have to be some kind of soulless monster with zero empathy or no conscience to believe or willingly engage in that kind of society.”

At press time, Erin Walsh was reportedly assuring her son that while these systems are deeply ingrained in our culture, he would one day have the opportunity to meaningfully challenge them even though she never has.

Opinion: I’d Make a Far Better CEO of McDonalds Because I Can Choke Down Four of Those Burgers Even When I’m Crying and Listening to Enya While Stuck in Traffic in My 94 Honda Civic

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

When did CEO’s get so soft? I grew up being led to believe that to get to the top of the corporate hill, you had to demonstrate leadership, grit, and determination, no matter what kind of pressure and scrutiny you were under. So, imagine my disgust when I saw current McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski take a bite of the new Big Arch as if he was afraid of it suddenly springing to life and stealing his soul.  

That bite was pathetic and unbecoming of the figurehead of the largest food retailer the world has ever known. What that company needs is a real consumer. What they need is someone like me. A man who can unhinge their jaw like an anaconda and stuff those chemical waste burgers down their throat in a way that’s functionally identical to force feeding a foie gras goose and do it all while stuck in bumper-to-bumper gridlock with tears streaming down their face as Enya’s ethereal tones transport them to a world less riddled with pain.

How can someone making untold millions per year not even be an enthusiastic face of their brand? Isn’t it a far better investment to have a CEO who can ravenously hork down their slop under any condition? And I mean any condition? I can eat those miniaturized, portable radioactive landfills in airports, at funerals, churches, weddings, quincerañeras I wasn’t invited to, court dates, or even the most chaotic gender reveal party. But don’t take my word for it, McDonald’s. Feel free to reach out to any of my friends or colleagues for references. None of whom will dare to carpool with me because, as previously touched upon, I regularly grief eat anywhere between four or nine Big Macs during my rush hour commute home, all as I play “May It Be” on repeat causing me to once again relive Boromir’s death as I sit in my ’94 Honda Civic while eating and sobbing like a little fat girl.

My schedule is wide open, McDonald’s. The ball is in your court. Because if all that I’ve said doesn’t assure you of my bona fides, I’m not sure what will.

Mamdani’s Luxury Property Tax Forcing More Billionaires To Choose Between Clone Organ Harvesting or Private Gladiatorial Arenas

Posted on by Dan Rice

NEW YORK — NYC’s wealthiest property owners are expressing growing concern today as Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s new pied-à-terre tax is forcing more of them to forfeit such daily expenses as human sushi trays and excursions to islands where you hunt man for sport “just to make ends meet,” sources close to the billionaire community report. 

“This tax is an outrage!” said hedge fund CEO Alvin Sharpe, owner of a large Manhattan penthouse that’s virtually empty most of the year. “The way things are going, I might be forced to choose between my private jet with a perfect replica of my childhood bedroom, or my prized human chess board where the ‘pieces’ actually fight each other. What’s the point of being in the Epstein class if you can’t be classy?!” 

A spokesman representing an anonymous collective of wealthy NYC property owners has issued the following statement: 

“On behalf of New York’s wealthiest elite, we urge you, do NOT go to https://dreamfornyc.com/action and sign the petition to the governor calling for more taxes on the ultra-rich. No one who can afford to have Taylor Swift sing them to sleep three nights a week should ever have to face the horror of paying their fair share.” 

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops. 

Bodyguard Jumps in Front of Politician To Block JD Vance Endorsement

Posted on by Sean Fallon

WASHINGTON DC. Bodyguard Jack Hershaw is being hailed as a hero for leaping in front of Senate hopeful Bob Russell to block an endorsement from JD Vance.

“I saw the endorsement coming and the training just kicked in,” said Hershaw, who is currently being kept in hospital for observation to see if getting hit with the endorsement will cause him to become a big, stupid, fucking loser. “It all happened so fast, but I saw JD Vance coming, and in that moment, I had to make a split-second decision. Luckily for Mr Russel, I decided to put myself between him and the potentially career-ending endorsement from Vance.”

Other victims of JD Vance’s endorsements praised the heroism of Hershaw, as they themselves hadn’t been so lucky when the endorsements started flying.

“It ruined me,” said Viktor Orban, an unemployed former Prime Minister who is still recovering from the endorsement. “I was in power for 16 years, but that all ended in an instant when I was on stage and in front of thousands of people, a JD Vance endorsement hit me right in the polling numbers. You never expect something like that to happen, and when it does its hard to pick up the pieces afterwards. My wife had to sit my children down and say, ‘Daddy won’t be the autocrat of this country anymore.’ She had to tell them the bribes and the backhanders were stopping, and it was all because of a single JD Vance endorsement. To be fair, my children are all adults, so they should be aware of these events anyway, but you get my point.”

Hershaw’s brave actions have brought to light the dangers of a JD Vance endorsement in the political sphere. 

“This is a brand new weapon,” said political scientist Demi Adebayo, an expert on lethal endorsements and their effects on candidates. “We’ve seen poisonous endorsements in the past, and in recent years, a Donald Trump endorsement can be fatal for a campaign 50% of the time. But with a JD Vance endorsement, the fatality rate for campaigns is like nothing we’ve ever witnessed.”

On a Truth Social post, Trump has called Hershaw a sad loser and denied plans to have JD Vance endorse democratic candidates in the upcoming midterm elections. 

Every Member of the “Midnight Society” Ranked by How Much I Resent Them for Not Letting Me In

Posted on by Steve Packosky

In November 1992, I was led blindfolded into the woods at the tender young age of 13 with the hopes that my spooky story “The Tale of the Ritualistic Disembowelment” would grant me admission into the coveted Midnight Society. I’d been crafting this yarn for months and believed it to be absolutely perfect. However, the pretentious little shits who invited me out there begged to differ, and unanimously voted to bar my entrance into their stupid fucking club. Here’s every one of these pricks ranked by the level of resentment I still have for them.

7.) Betty Ann

Betty Ann was actually pretty nice to me, but she looked really uncomfortable throughout my entire narrative, particularly during the part where the cannibalistic maniac slips and impales himself on his own knife while he’s reveling in the exposed entrails of his last victim. Don’t get me wrong: I still hate her, but I do kind of feel bad that I exposed her to such a graphic story, and in retrospect, the accompanying photos I had nabbed from actual crime scenes weren’t entirely necessary.

6.) Kristen

Kristen actually wasn’t conscious during the vote because she vomited and fainted during my story, which is a little dramatic if you ask me. Nonetheless, her inert body slumped in front of the fire likely influenced the others out of my favor.

5.) David

This fragile little petunia left in the middle of the necrophilia scene, claiming to have a family emergency. My dude, it’s not like you had a cell phone, so how could you have known? Anyway, I saw him slip a note to Gary on his way out, and I’m pretty sure it was a “no” vote. What a turd.

4.) Kiki

I specifically didn’t give my story a happy ending because I knew she didn’t like them, and she STILL votes no? So fucking weak, dude.

3.) Frank

I can tell you first-hand that Frank’s supposed toughness is a total facade. Dude can’t even handle a little forced coprophagia, which I included as a subtle nod to the works of Pier Paolo Pasolini. I swear to Christ, I’ve got to be the most under-appreciated kid in Nickelodeon history.

2.) Eric

Ugh, just look at that insufferable little brat. I fucking detest everything about him.

1.) Gary

Gary furrowed his brow and looked condescendingly over his glasses at me the entire time like some sort of disapproving father. Why the fuck did these idiots let him boss them around so much? Anyway, this wannabe sovereign certainly got what was coming to him two weeks later when I dumped a bunch of rotting pig meat in his mom’s Windstar. Looks like I got the last laugh, Gary, you fucking asshole.

Friend of Polycule Beginning to Feel Like 7th Wheel

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

CLEVELAND — Friend of local polycule Devin Dietrich admitted to feeling “left out” during platonic activities that don’t require seven participants, ethically non-monogamous sources confirmed. 

“Me, Marnie, Jacob, Amina, and White Jacob have been really good friends since high school. But it was only after they all decided to go with each other to prom that I started to feel left out,” explained Dietrich. “Like yeah, being friends with a polycule was kinda different, but there was still plenty we could do together. But then, Marnie and WJ started hooking up with Geech and his partner, Mars Rover, and I can’t help but feel like a seventh wheel. Also, seriously, everybody wanted to fuck each other except me? Like, I’m not interested, but also, what did I do? I’m good-looking. I bathe.”

Polycule member Amina Guerra provided her perspective on Dietrich’s misgivings.

“Devin’s square peg status is never more apparent than on Wednesday nights, which is when we play other polycules in our intramural roller hockey league. Naturally Geech is the goalie because he’s got the pads, then the five us switch between defense, wing, and center. There’s just no room for a seventh player who’s not romantically linked with at least one of us,” said Guerra. “We’re not trying to leave him out, we just feel Devin doesn’t possess the emotional maturity to be a part of a polycule. He would get all jealous and insecure, instead of doing the healthy thing and stuffing those feelings deep inside and pretending they don’t exist.”

Relationship expert Todd Dart explained the difficult dynamic of polycules and outside acquaintances. 

“As a polycule grows and becomes more insular, many forget about the collateral damage caused by non-monogamy. In particular, all the casual friends who just wanted to get a beer or play Mario Party without it becoming a cuddle puddle or a fight over who drank the last of the oat milk,” said Dart. “This is why I have proposed a completely new and original dynamic — the non-sexual polycule. This is a group of hinges and metas, but they do not engage in romantic or sexual activities. Instead they simply bond over shared interests and experiences, before returning to their own homes and relationships. And actually, this idea is totally different from a regular-ass friend group. So don’t call it that.”

At press time, Dietrich was left disappointed after receiving a phone call from the polycule; not to hang out, but instead requesting help after all six of their ponytails became tangled.

L’Oreal to Only Test Makeup on the Ugly Rabbits That Need It

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

CLICHY, France — Cosmetics giant L’Oreal revealed that it will begin testing its makeup on only the hideous rabbits that need it, describing it as a more humane and results-oriented approach to their product development, sources confirmed.

“When a rabbit is already conventionally attractive, there’s simply less value in applying mascara or foundation,” said L’Oreal spokesperson Camille Durand. “By focusing on the rabbits that are, frankly, a bit harder to look at, we can better demonstrate the transformative power of our products and give those animals an opportunity to see meaningful improvement to their otherwise undesirable appearance. This approach allows us to clearly see the before-and-after results while maximizing the visual impact of each application. We believe this is the most ethical and practical way to approach cosmetic testing, and we hope other manufacturers will follow suit.”

Animal activists praised the policy as a step forward in reducing unnecessary harm.

“Historically, the public safety testing process for cosmetic supplies has been needlessly arbitrary and inhumane for the good-looking rabbits,” said animal welfare advocate Denise Harper.” When giant corporations are performing these cosmetic tests on a massive scale, it simply makes sense to prioritize the uglier, more homely rabbits who need to look better, where it actually serves a purpose, instead of putting already beautiful animals through procedures that do not benefit anyone. For too long, smoke show animals have been the focus, while the ones who desperately need help are ignored. This policy finally recognizes that these animals are deserving of love and compassion, even though they are unsightly.”

Animal scientists noted this new business practice aligns with the fundamental goals of cosmetic application.

“Targeting rabbits that clearly need the help is both logical and efficient,” explained animal behavior researcher Dr. Elliot Vaughn. “Cosmetics are designed to improve appearance, so testing them on attractive subjects doesn’t measurably improve the well-being of the animal. Focusing on the less hot mammals mirrors how these products are intended to function in real-world scenarios. In controlled studies, we’ve seen improvements in social engagement, reduced stress behaviors, increased social acceptance and group integration, and they objectively look sexier.”

At press time, L’Oreal confirmed it had also begun testing whether putting lipstick on pigs made them any more fuckable.