CNN Premium Subscribers Given News Stories a Week Early

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

ATLANTA — Major media outlet CNN began offering news stories a week early for subscribers to their premium service, confirmed sources who still weren’t interested.

“We feel it’s important for our paid subscribers to get something extra for their patronage,” CNN CEO Mark Thompson explained. “We have our best psychics and precogs working around the clock for the best premium content that our patrons can talk about in our discord. And if that doesn’t cut it, we just kind of guess what’s going to happen based on a hunch. Not to mention we also have subscription tiers! Each month our exclusive members will get personalized articles such as who at their job hates them or how they are going to die. You can also see our anchors try funny foreign snacks!”

CNN’s staff is not exactly excited for the bonus content.

“Oh boy, more work for us to do. Can’t wait!” reported journalist Craig Lowe. “You know how hard it is to get your news reports when your sources are from people who prophesize the future? Sometimes it’s ‘The man in purple will light three fires of metal and blood’ and then my boss just turns to me and goes ‘translate that.’ Next thing I know I’m up all night reading about symbol interpretations. Most of the time though I’m thumbing through old episodes of ‘The Simpsons’ for potential prediction ideas. It almost sometimes works.”

Numbers in subscribers have already gone up by as many as six people since the option was announced.

“I wasn’t interested at first paying yet another company five dollars a month, but then I started feeling left out when I’d hear everyone discussing which country the US is for some reason bombing or who is getting assassinated next week,” new subscriber Susan Friedman said. “And the future sections about business news have been even better for my stock than tracking Nancy Pelosi’s husband. Still trying to figure out the one article that just says ‘THE GREAT HAPPENING IS SOON.’”

In related news, Fox News subscribers will be getting to know a week early which minorities are currently spreading the woke mind virus in advance, and new members will also have their name sharpied on Sean Hannity’s forehead.

My Top Five Favorite Techno Songs and Why They’re All the Mortal Kombat Theme Song

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

Most techno music to me sounds like someone force-feeding a crushed-up mixture of crystal meth and ecstasy to an NES, a cacophony of bleeps and bloops hammering your ears at 150 beats per minute. It’s not my favorite genre, in case you couldn’t guess. There are, however, a few techno songs I not only tolerate but actually go out of my way to listen to. Here are my five favorite techno songs, and by five I mean one, and by one I mean “Techno Syndrome” by the Immortals, aka the Mortal Kombat Theme Song.

5. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

The Mortal Kombat Theme Song goes hard. If you need to be pumped the fuck up, nothing does the job better than hearing a grown man shouting the name of a 1992 Sega Genesis game at the top of his lungs. While the beginning synth notes get my blood pumping, it’s not until someone screams, “MORTAL KOMBAT!” that the song reaches into my chest and rips my still bleeding heart out of my chest. Fatality, indeed.

4. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

The Mortal Kombat Theme slaps. Almost all of the lyrics are just the names of the characters repeated over and over. Look, I’m in my mid-40s and only getting older. My memory isn’t what it used to be, and now and then I need to be reminded, “Hey, whose that blue ninja with the ice powers? Freezy McCold or whatever? Oh yeah, Sub-Zero, duh!”

3. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

This is my favorite techno song because it implores me to test my might. You’re favorite techno song wants you to check out the “funk soul brother.” We are not the same. Violence is cool. I don’t give a shit about dropping the bass, I’m all about dropping motherfuckers, preferably with a fireball or well-timed spear throw. I’ve tried listening to other EDM like Moby and Fatboy Slim, and while I admit the beats are catchy, the lyrics feature a distinct lack of ninjas capable of ripping one’s spine out of their body, skull still attached.

2. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

Nostalgia is a hell of a drug. I’m a ‘90s kid, and the Mortal Kombat Theme reminds me of a simpler time. A time when men were men and women blew kisses made of napalm that melted the flesh off the bones of those men.

1. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

The Mortal Kombat Theme Song is the perfect techno song — scratch that, perfect song — for any occasion. Funeral? Who doesn’t want their casket lowered into the ground while someone shouts “Finish him!” over a hard-driving beat? Wedding? You owe it to your spouse to walk down the aisle while someone chants, “uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh,” in the background. Personally, I like to put it on in the background while I’m having sex and time my climax so that I finish when the announcer says “Scorpion.” No particular reason, it’s just a vibes thing.

There you have it. Proof that the techno genre peaked with 1994’s “Techno Syndrome” by the Immortals, better known as the Mortal Kombat Theme Song. Before I go, I’d like to leave you with a few inspirational lyrics: “Kano, Liu Kang, Raiden, Johnny Cage.”

John Mellencamp Autobiography Contains Four Chapters About Other Things He Likes to Do With Chili Dogs

Posted on by Chris Bowen

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Legendary blue-collar rocker John Mellencamp released his autobiography entitled “Hurt So Good: The John Mellencamp Story” in which he dedicated four whole chapters to chili dogs, denim-clad sources report.

“People don’t realize, but ‘Jack’ in ‘Jack and Diane’ is about me, and so is the part about suckin’ on chili dogs. Suckin’ on ‘em is just one of the things I love to do with ‘em,’” Mellencamp explained. “In the past, I’ve been known to huff chili dogs, snort chili dogs, and even boof the bad boys. That part is in chapter 5, the same chapter where I talk about leaving my first true love Lucy on account of her not wanting to incorporate chili dogs in the bedroom. There ain’t nothin’ anyone with a chili dog can’t do, and that includes writing a line in a timeless hit song about ‘em.”

Mellencamp’s editor Eliza Donald had some apprehension about the book containing several chapters on chili con carne-based hot dogs.

“John’s story is an all-American, working class-underdog journey that could inspire so many struggling people these days, but I’m afraid four chapters on chili dogs will most definitely overshadow all of that,” Donald said while visibly frustrated. “I begged him to just put a paragraph or even one chapter, but he insisted on how pivotal they are to his story. I had to draw the line at including an entire epilogue about his highly specific food proclivities. I’ve been an editor for a long time, and this could be the most embarrassing chili dog-related content I’ve ever seen.”

According to some historians, several musicians throughout American popular culture have had suggestive lines in their music that reflect their real lives.

“A lot of popular artists such as Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan pen lines in their songs that highlight some sort of bizarre aspect of their lives,” music historian Richard Stapp explained. “‘A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall’ by Bob Dylan is famously known for being about Dylan’s struggle with urinating with kidney stones. Springsteen’s ‘I’m On Fire’? Everyone knows that’s about the time he set his kitchen ablaze by putting a Ramen Noodle cup in the microwave with no water in it. However, Mellencamp’s ‘chili dog’ obsession is a mystery to me, and I can’t wait to read the book and find out!”

At press time, Ocar Meyer and Mellencamp signed a $2 million dollar deal in order to help with his book publicity.

Taylor Swift Announces 151 Date, 5 Continent Wedding

Posted on by Matt Husser

NASHVILLE — Pop megastar Taylor Swift announced her upcoming wedding tour will be a sprawling 151-date, 5-continent celebration and will prominently feature her fiancé Travis Kelce as an opening act, sources confirmed.

“Swifties get ready to cancel your plans for the next year, bank those PTO days, and take out a payday loan because you’re cordially invited to the wedding event of the century: Taylor Swift’s ‘In My Married Eras’ Tour!” announced a press release from Taylor Swift’s PR firm. “A love story like no other deserves the tour for the ages, and that’s why Taylor and Travis are traveling around the world sharing their love in a 3.5 hours wedding extravaganza that’s a retrospective tribute to each of their 24 months together and their corresponding dating “eras.” Who knows, maybe you’ll even catch the bouquet and be the next great Love Story?”

Fiancé Travis Kelce was stoked on the idea of the prolonged wedding tour.

“Hell yeah, this two-year wedding tour is the best idea Taylor has had since you invented singing and playing guitar at the same time! Oh, oh, we are going to do the wedding at Barcelona so we can watch those French guys get fucked up by the bulls, that’s going to be so sick,” shouted Kelce, pretending to be a bull as he charged into the refrigerator. “Oh shit, and we can get those scary New Zealand rugby guys to do the haka for us when we’re down under, and maybe if I’m real good I can dress up as a ninja for the wedding in Japan? This is gonna be the best 151 weddings ever!”

Climate scientists were less thrilled about the amount of CO2 the global travel would emit into the atmosphere.

“We estimate that the North American leg of the wedding tour alone will emit over 500,000 lbs of CO2, not to mention the emissions from the travel of her wedding guests, transportation of decorations and caterers, and the ecological defloration that will occur to supply flowers at each stop,” said Dr. Wendy Brodsky. “We fear that this event alone could finally tip our planet over into irreversible climate catastrophe and melt the ice caps for a millennia. And to make matters worse, the fucking Ticketmaster scalping bots already snapped up all the tickets within 200 miles of me!”

At press time, President Trump was threatening to block the wedding tour unless they paid him 10% of the proceeds to approve the Swift-Kelce merger.

Punk Nurse Asks if Any Patients Want to Play Slap the IV Bag

Posted on by Stephen Bell

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — Intensive care nurse Harper Schlader was reportedly asking any of her patients currently in the ICU if they wanted to play a game called Slap the IV Bag, reported several witnesses to his erratic behavior.

“What the fuck is up, intensive care unit!” screamed Schlader into a microphone and amp that she brought to the unit. “We’ve got morphine drips for all of you so who’s ready to get this shit pumping fast and play Slap the IV Bag? If that doesn’t sound fun, I’m sure we can get a game of Morphine Pong going. Maybe we can also suck on a couple of alcohol swabs to really get our buzz going. I see you over there, Mr. Johnson, asking to play!”

The patients in this particular ICU were feeling pretty good after participating in Schlader’s shenanigans.

“I have never felt better in a hospital setting until playing Slap the IV Bag,” said patient Karen Conner post-appendectomy. “I mean, I felt good until I got really sleepy and then suddenly was wide awake again after they administered the Narcan. But that was that asshole doctor giving me the Narcan and it gave me a serious hangover. Though I guess it was the equivalent to puking and rallying because I did get more morphine afterwards, though disappointingly it was just a normal drip again.”

Lame doctors at the hospital quickly put a stop to Schlader’s activities in the hospital.

“We did some digging and it turns out that the ‘Misfits School of Nursing’ is not real and there is no professor Danzig,” stated ICU physician William Fraseur. “I suppose we should’ve been tipped off to Harper’s phony credentials though after she insisted on wearing one of those sexy nurse outfits from Spirit Halloween instead of scrubs like the rest of our nursing staff. Part of me is going to miss Harper though once she’s gone. She might’ve represented a major breach in hospital protocol, endangered the lives of our patients, opened us up to multi-million dollar lawsuits, and stole tons of medical equipment, but she was fun. And isn’t that what ultimately matters in the ICU?”

At press time, Schlader could be seen getting escorted off of the hospital premises after reportedly suggesting patients play a game called Edward IV Drip Hands.

Bands Are Just an Excuse for Men To Have Photoshoots

Posted on by Jonah Nink

Are you in need of profile photos for Instagram or Hinge? Don’t want to hire a photographer because the boys might think you’re “gay” or something? Try starting a band!

Starting a band is super easy! All you need to do is find two to four other like-minded dudes with entrenched homophobia and learn to play bass. Once those are ready, it’s time for the photoshoot! In terms of location, any foreclosed building, ideally a Church or fire-damaged Wendy’s, will do. The loading dock of Sam’s Club is a personal favorite. Thankfully, the United States is a failed theocratic oligarchy, so dilapidated infrastructure for band photoshoots is plentiful.

Who takes the photos? As the bass player, it’s your responsibility to get your mom to take the photos for free, since it’s likely everyone in the band works at a toll booth.

Are you a non-man feeling left out? You can join in the fun by looking at the photos (wow!) on Instagram (zoinks!)!

The Beatles were the first men to successfully start a band as a way to get nice photos of themselves. The Fab Four did such a good job that they landed a spot on the Ed Sullivan show in 1964. Ed Sullivan and his producers would not allow four disgusting English river peasants near their expensive cameras if they weren’t in a band. The best part is that musical talent is completely optional; for example, just look at The Beatles.

Since the first caveman used a severed pterodactyl penis to draw a portrait of himself on the slimy limestone walls of a damp cave, men have been obsessed with our own image. We built stone statues in our likeness, and baroque tapestries and paintings immortalizing our great deeds. Hell, we even let Howard Stern star in his own biopic for fucks sake!

But it wasn’t until the band photo shoot that stigma-free straight male vanity was truly democratized. If, for some reason, you can’t find other men to start a band with, you can always put on sunglasses and take a selfie in your truck. And say, why not drive that truck straight into the ocean?

Jonas Brothers Upgrade to Cock Rings

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

NEW YORK — International sensation the Jonas Brothers announced that since doing away with the chastity rings that they wore as Disney Channel heartthrobs, the trio have upgraded to wearing cock rings at all hours of the day, confirmed sources.

“We can’t thank you all enough for growing up with us, and being right alongside us at every step of our journey over the years,” said frontman Nick Jonas while adjusting his crotch area. “As proof that we and our kinks are always evolving, we have dedicated ourselves to having the strongest erections possible. When we were kids, there were constant jokes being made about the chastity rings that we wore to signify our purity. Well, let me assure you, all three of us are having sex with our wives and girlfriends constantly. Almost weekly now. And to prove it, we’ve committed ourselves to wearing cock rings from this point on!”

Vocalist and guitarist Joe Jonas elaborated on the group’s decision.

“For me, it’s like, there’s just something about it that adds to that energy once we’re onstage,” Jonas stated. “I can’t really describe it. It’s just one more thing that bonds the three of us as brothers. Now I can’t speak for the other guys, but mine…vibrates. Sophie actually still has the remote, so whenever I feel some friction down there, I know she’s watching me and deciding to give me a little stimulation.”

Eldest brother and lead guitarist Kevin Jonas shed more light on the reactions of the brothers’ partners to the news.

“I was totally against the idea at first. I was like, ‘Guys, that’s a boundary that we just shouldn’t cross.’ Plus, I’m more of an anal bead guy myself,” Jonas said. “But then I asked Danielle about it and she was super enthusiastic. Her eyes actually sort of lit up when I mentioned it, and she was nodding along vigorously as I described the idea. It’s been nothing but a positive for the two of us at the end of the day.”

At press time, the pop rock band was posing for a Rolling Stone photoshoot, pulling the waistbands of their jeans down just enough so the shiny metal rings were visible.

Travis Kelce Dies After Taylor Swift Leaves Him in Sweltering Hot Private Jet

Posted on by Matt Husser

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was found dead today after his fiancée Taylor Swift accidentally left him in her sweltering hot private jet shortly after they announced their plans to be married, NFL sources confirmed.

“I told Travis not to fool around with those gatdang private jets, I never liked that the windows don’t roll down, and he always got tangled up in the seat belts! Oh this is all my fault, I saw him banging on the windows but I thought he was just foolin’ around playing peek-a-boo,” sobbed brother Jason Kelce. “We can’t even have an open casket ’cause he got all cooked up and exploded like a hot dog roasting over a campfire. Why God, why do bad things happen to good people, and not monsters like Deshaun Watson or the Jaguar’s mascot?”

Swift’s publicist released a statement on behalf of the grieving pop star.

“It’s been a cruel summer for Taylor, one that will take a lifetime for her to shake it off—especially just weeks after the announcement of her new album, ‘The Life of a Showgirl,’ available on all streaming platforms October 3rd, 2025,” said publicist Breanna Grant. “A tragic end to a love story like Taylor and Travis will leave a blank space for years to come, but if there’s anyone that can resume touring with a tortured soul, it’s Tay Tay. Fear not Swifties, Taylor will find a way to mend her broken heart and return to the studio to record her 13th studio album in honor of Travis, ‘When Angels Touch Down in Heaven.'”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell promised to honor the legacy of the Chiefs All-Pro tight end.

“Although Travis’ life was tragically cut short after he was slow-cooked like a Kansas City brisket, he will be remembered for his on-field talent, bright personality, and bringing the NFL a 2,000% ROI in key female demographics after bagging the biggest popstar in the world,” said Goodell. “To honor Travis’ legacy, the NFL will be raising awareness this season about the greatest danger facing our athletes today: being accidentally left in sweltering hot luxury vehicles. Please join me now and find the nearest window to leave open a ‘Crack for Kelce.'”

Swift was later seen being comforted during an intimate dinner with Jaguars mascot, Jaxson de Ville.

Viewers Look on in Mix of Horror/Excitement as PornHub Announces Its First Ever Shark Week

Posted on by Stephen Bell

MONTREAL, Quebec — Regular viewers of the online pornography streaming company PornHub looked on with a strange mixture of horror and excitement as the company announced its first ever Shark Week, confirmed sources.

“OK, what’s their angle here?” asked local pervert Jesse Entingh with some newspaper placed suspiciously over his lap. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of autoeroticism and the erogenous cinematic arts, but hot sharks just sound frightening. I mean I’m already afraid of a woman’s teeth when getting a blowjob, or I would be if I could ever get one. But a shark blowjob would just have way too many teeth that forever regenerate which is what I learned from regular Shark Week. But then again maybe the danger is what would make it hot. Oh god, my boner is so confused.”

Executives at PornHub felt that having a Shark Week was completely on brand for them.

“I just feel that the PornHub has a real special kinship with oceanic apex predators,” stated vice president of marketing Charles Schaeffer. “Porn is under attack right now just like the noble shark. I mean, you don’t see people turning our performers into soup just yet, but they are adding age verification laws in many US states which really attack our brand. Anyway, have you ever heard of a nurse shark? Well, without spoiling anything, let’s just say some other nurses will be involved.”

Marine biologists were similarly nonplussed about the decision to combine porn and sharks.

“While I appreciate their commitment to protecting biodiversity, sharks are animals and can’t consent to whatever they want to do,” said Andrea Horn PhD. “I do hope they use protection though and by that I mean shark cages. But maybe condoms too? I’ve been studying sharks for 30 years and I have no idea if people can get shark STDs. I guess we would call this new disease ‘sharkphylis’? Dammit, I’m suddenly invested in this and I didn’t want to be. Stupid sexy sharks.”

At press time, several male performers were concerned that the upcoming bear week might be more literal than what they initially signed up for.

Here’s Which Episodes of “Mr. Wizard” To Watch in What Order To Make Crystal Meth

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Don Herbert better known as “Mr. Wizard” was the beloved host of “Mr. Wizard’s World,” an educational science show that even the most jaded Gen X’er came to love while watching Nickelodeon in the 80s. However, you might as well have called him Walter White because hidden within his many practical chemistry lessons was all the information you needed to know in order to make crystal meth. Here’s which episodes you need to watch in order to become your town’s new Heisenberg!

Season 1, Episode 4: Mr. Wizard goes to the store
In this episode, Mr. Wizard instructs the kids about how to space out purchasing all of the materials you need without raising suspicion. He has his child assistants visit multiple stores and only use cash to purchase their materials. He also coached the children to put pepper up their noses before buying the Sudafed to really sell their “colds”.

Season 2, Episode 7: Adventures in chirality
Chirality is the principle in chemistry that certain molecules can have the same chemical formula while not being superimposable mirror images. This means that you can have chemicals that, despite being made of the same parts, can have completely different properties. In this episode, Mr. Wizard explains that you want the R configuration and not the S configuration because one gets you super high and the other causes impotence.

Season 2, Episode 10: Eating good in the neighborhood
Mr. Wizard takes time to explain the Maillard reaction and how it’s the reaction that makes your bread brown when you make toast. It didn’t teach anything about making meth, but it’s surprisingly interesting, and you’re definitely going to want to understand it when you’re making a celebratory grilled cheese after a successful meth cook.

Season 3, Episode 5: Catalyzing reactions
In this episode, Mr. Wizard explained how catalysts are used in chemical reactions to speed up the rate of a certain reaction while not being used up in the reaction itself. Of course, the best place to get the necessary metals for a lot of these reactions is located right behind your muffler. The kids really enjoyed getting the shiny stuff in this episode, and their smaller size made it much easier for them to use the band saw.

Season 5, Episode 10: How to make meth
Unsurprisingly, this was the last episode of Mr. Wizard, because he dropped any and all pretenses and just straight up made meth. In retrospect, watching any of the other episodes was unnecessary because in this episode, he just straight-up makes meth before getting tackled by DEA agents.