PHILADELPHIA — Fantasy metal band and LARPers, Cloak and Scabbard, are preparing for a week-long tour of the enchanted lands of the upper Midwest. The band has steeled themselves for what is sure to be an arduous and perilous quest to the distant realm of Minneapolis, Minnesota.
“Surely, the frosty winters and discourteous indigenous peoples of Philadelphia have prepared us for what lies ahead,” said lead guitarist Joe “Magnus” Gutierrez, while trying to jam his pauldrons into a suitcase. “We hath braved the punishing rains of Seattle and the cracked deserts of Nevada. The Gods hath spared us for this final test.”
The band, whose lyrics reference battles against reaving orcs and ridding the metal scene of poseur elves, has been training for the tour with intense sword combat and trips to Costco. “My gauntlets are polished, my blade is honed, and our steed is stocked with Nature Valley bars and baby wipes,” said frontman Steven “Jurgen Von Hammerfist” Hammelstrom, as he loaded gear into the their vehicle, affectionately dubbed “The Vankyrie.” “Our bodies, nay, our souls are prepared for this journey.”
The band’s tour is set to take them through Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, and Wisconsin before their momentous dates in Minnesota. “If we make it through the shadows cast over the land of Cleves unscathed then I pray we get to stop in Alexandria, Indiana to see the world’s largest ball of paint,” said the band’s drummer Pete Jensen, whose elvish name could not be reproduced for publication. “Verily, tis on the way anyway!”
The band’s bassist, Thomas Elfman—who decided to stick with his birth name—is not as confident about the prospects for tour. “We hath, uh, very few places to stay-eth along this route. I mean seriously, most of these dates are TBA. Our date in Sheboygan just says, “Wherever the winds blow.” What the fuck was Steve, I’m sorry, what was Jurgen Von whatever the fuck doing these last four months?” said Elfman.
“I know he’s a magic wielder, but he’s not an actual wizard,” he continued.
Hammerfist, however, did not share Elfman’s skepticism. “Oh ye of -5 faith. Wherever there be Holiday Inns with continental breakfasts and heated pools or floors upon which to lay our bags of sleeping, we shall find quarter… Plus there’s plenty of space in the van dude, chill out.”