WASHINGTON — An alarming report issued by the Department of Health and Human Services found that the number of Americans abandoning healthcare in favor of a big bottle of Tums is on a sharp rise, attributing the results to a combination of rising premiums, patchy care, and low satisfaction with the doctors they can see.
“I mean, it makes sense. A lot of the issues doctors see patients for are pretty basic, and Tums are well-suited for basic issues. Heartburn. Upset stomach. Liking fruity chewables. Nausea. You name it. Plus, if you don’t have an underlying condition, why go through the rigmarole of having a doctor check you out when one of those chalky-cure-alls might fix you right up?” noted report author Patricia Kind, MD. “But if, say, you have one of the millions of other issues a doctor might be helpful with, relying on Tums alone is not an ideal healthcare strategy. But it’s worth a shot.”
The sunsetting of subsidies for Affordable Care Act healthcare plans has led to a dramatic rise in people choosing Tums over traditional insurance.
“My rate jumped $500 a month this year, and my income’s just too spotty to keep up with that. So, while it pains me to do so, for now, I’m praying that the 350 count Assorted Fruit bottle of Tums I have will tide me over in case anything I’d normally see a doctor for happens,” said Liz Fearson, a Chicago-based freelance writer. “I’m also trying to stay completely still in the middle of rooms to avoid sharp things on counters or anything that I could trip on on the ground. As far as I can tell, Tums can’t help me if anything goes wrong in those ways.”
Doctors across the country have reported a drop in patients as a result of the mass adoption of a Tums-first approach to medicine.
“My office has been emptier and emptier of late, and I can understand why. The system’s failing too many people, but antacids are always there for you,” noted Amanda Chee, MD, an internist. “Given all of that, a regular Tums regimen may be just the band-aid a patient needs until the system lets people and doctors see each other again without causing complete financial ruin.”
At press time, a majority of Americans were seen drinking a big glass of water, as they’ve heard staying hydrated can help with a number of issues health insurance has a financial stake in.
