HANSON, Mass. — Local bigoted alcoholic Bud Cullen will likely live longer than many members of his family, according to perplexed health care workers.
“My uncle Bud is an unabashed piece of shit. He’s a drunk, racist 85-year-old chainsmoker, yet he lives on while far better members of our family drop dead,” said Jennifer Cullen following the funeral of her favorite aunt, Cindy Cullen. “Bud stumbled into Cindy’s wake, drunk as usual, spouting hateful bullshit all while proclaiming himself to be the most pious Christian among us. He’s the last of that generation now that his sister Cindy is gone. Uncle Bud even outlived several younger family members, including his son—although I have my suspicions that he faked his death to get away from his dad.”
Bud Cullen says he knows he doesn’t lead a traditionally healthy lifestyle, but figures he must be doing something right.
“Maybe the secret is a fifth of bourbon and a pack a day,” mused Bud Cullen, removing his oxygen mask to puff on a cigarette. “Doctors told me to stop drinking and smoking 40 years ago, and I’ve outlived most of them, too. Sure, I’m slowing down a bit, but I’ll still kick the ass of anyone half my age. Booze, smokes, red meat, raw milk—I do all the shit the libbed up doctors tell you to avoid, and I’m still here. I expect a lot more people are going to live to a ripe old age like me now that RFK Jr. is in charge of Americans’ health.”
Researchers are closing in on confirming a correlation between longevity and being a terrible person.
“It’s long been hypothesized that being an awful, generally mean and bad person has some positive effect on lifespan,” said Johns Hopkins researcher Dr. Howard Skinner. “My team has been studying subjects who would be colloquially known as ‘assholes’ for some time, and have found convincing evidence that these sociopaths do indeed live longer than kind, empathic people. The amazing thing is that these assholes often engage in self-destructive behavior like fighting, drugs and alcohol abuse, yet still they persist. Our working theory is that acting like an asshole releases key anti-aging compounds in the brain.”
At press time, Jennifer Cullen had learned of another death in her family, but was heartbroken to learn it was her “wonderful” cousin Brett Cullen and not Uncle Bud.
