TUCSON, Ariz. — Professor and vocal critic of capitalism Noam Chomsky stunned his lecture hall after granting an ideological exception for McDonald’s buy one, get one free breakfast promotion, confirmed sources.
“‘All goods consumed under capitalism are produced under conditions of exploitation’ is something I would have earnestly said before biting into my second sausage, egg, and cheese McGriddle,” Chomsky revealed. “To be profitable, companies pay workers less than the value that their labor produces which begs the question: how much could a McGriddle possibly be worth if half of them are free? It turns out the answer doesn’t matter—who could put a price tag on happiness, on feeling patriotic for the first time at the tender age of 96? Don’t even get me started on their crisp on the outside, fluffy on the inside hash browns.”
University of Arizona student and right-wing podcaster Mitch Luciano welcomed Chomsky’s sudden pivot.
“I’ve been paying tuition fees for three semesters just to protest outside Chomsky’s class,” an impassioned Luciano began. “It’s about time he finally saw the light, that unmistakable sheen from the golden arches. I actually believed that Chomsky was unsalvageable, but I underestimated the transformative effects of tasting all the opportunities America has to offer. The sausage, egg, and cheese McGriddle is not fucking around. I’m starting to realize that ‘the other side’ may have a road to redemption yet. We’re all one giant, greasy dinner at Golden Corral away from securing Trump’s third term, and I’m starving.”
McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski couldn’t agree more with Chomsky’s comments.
“We’ve been cheekily noting for years that the public would ‘ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-be-loving-it,’ but we’re now just realizing our food could actually be the sole deciding factor in bridging this horrid divisiveness that’s been plaguing modern America,” an elated Kempczinski beamed. “With respects to whatever hesitations Mr. Chomsky may still be harboring, we’re ecstatic to unveil our new line of collectable ‘Noam Chomsky’ Happy Meal toys. We expect these trinkets to do nothing but appreciate in value—something that would finally give the working class a real chance at retirement.”
At press time, Chomsky was drafting a tweet on how linguistics is nothing but a scam after also discovering an onion ring at the bottom of his bag.
