WASHINGTON — A White House press release suggests that citizens come up with “wasteland personas” soon before all the good ones are scooped up, press corps sources report.
“President Trump’s plan to make America great again is in full swing and will usher in an unprecedented era of peace and prosperity,” explained press secretary Karoline Leavitt while rubbing her huge cross pendant. “However, it’s likely there will be a period of pain and discomfort while the systems on which you’ve relied upon your whole lives collapse and are replaced by techno-fiefdoms as hordes of lawless cannibals roam the devastated countryside hunting for human flesh. It would be wise to prepare by picking out an appropriate name for yourself before they’re all taken. You can register your new moniker at wasteland.gov.”
Some Americans, such as Kansas City furniture salesman Gabe Swiniarski, are nervous about the possibility of the US devolving into a nightmarish dystopia.
“I’m not a hardcore MAGA guy, but I did vote for Trump three times,” said Swiniarski as he struggled to fashion body armor from polyester couch cushions. “I just thought he was going to bring grocery prices down, but now there’s all this talk of roving barbarians and blighted hellscapes. That’s not what I voted for, but I guess I’ll have to get used to it. I haven’t decided on a name yet. I was thinking maybe Gabe the Skullcrusher, and my theme could be furniture-related? Like I could make a club out of a table leg, for instance. I’ve already created a cool harness and codpiece from leather couch swatches.”
Doomsday prepper Arnold Rouleau says people who are just beginning the process of getting ready for the apocalypse are already too late.
“I’ve been prepping for decades. If you’re just coming up with ideas now for how you’ll survive the coming cataclysm, you’re cooked,” said Rouleau from his fortified basement bunker. “I’ve got my water filtration system, years worth of canned food, and enough guns to take down an army of bloodthirsty radioactive savages. I chose my handle years ago, too: I’m going to be Dongus Rex the Testiculator. I’ve got a really cool costume covered with spikes and chains, and a massive steel phallus that shoots flames fifty yards. So yeah, I’m ready.”
At press time, the president took to Truth Social to announce a new line of Trump-branded battle gear including gold-plated maces, helmets and barbed-wire wrapped baseball bats.
