ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local man Bart Carlsen is positive the $40 band tee he’s receiving in the mail today will turn his life around, confirmed sources.
“Look, my job sucks. My wife hates me. My only hobby is brewing craft beers in my basement and by brewing craft beers I mean drinking craft beers,” griped Carlsen while scrolling the merch on Rockabilia’s website. “But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Because when people see me rockin’ this new Queens of the Stone Age tee, they’re gonna see a man of impeccable music taste, fashion, and badassery. I can already feel it––I’m going to be rolling in compliments from strangers the minute I put it on before going in the pool. Who knows? This could be the thing that finally gets me that corporate promotion at work.”
Carlsen’s wife, however, is less optimistic about the shirt’s impact.
“Do you know how many band tees he’s purchased in the last month? He’s running us toward financial ruin!” groaned Sheila Carlsen. “We get it. You like the Black Keys. But that can’t be your whole personality! Oh! And did I mention that my closet is completely overrun with band tees? I mean last week I caught him chucking all my clothes on the floor to make room for his five new Soundgarden tees. It’s getting out of control. He has enough band apparel to make his own Hot Topic wall of shirts.”
Despite Carlsen’s exuberance, renowned psychologist Dr. Melina Forrester asserts that there is no research to back up his lofty expectations.
“‘I’m sorry, this bozo believes that by purchasing an item of clothing it will supposedly serve as an outward expression of his taste. Will it turn his life around? No. There is absolutely no research to support that. Just a hunch,” said Dr. Forrester. “But hey, if you see him rocking the shirt, maybe give him a nod and smile to acknowledge it. I mean, don’t be too nice. It’s just a band tee––it’s not like he’s actually working on himself by going to therapy or joining a gym or meditating. Either way, this guy clearly needs a win. Actually, he probably needs a bunch of wins. Like literally so many wins.”
Upon the shirt’s arrival, Carlsen put it on only to immediately realize that he had ordered the wrong size, which ruined his entire month.