BALTIMORE — Black metal vocalist Ben “Plaguebearer” Rockwood wreaked havoc during Wincrest Elementary’s recent Play Day following questionable face paintings he gave to the children, confirmed angered parents.
“It’s ridiculous—when your child sits down and asks to get their face painted, you expect them to walk away with one of the classics—a Spiderman mask, butterfly wings, a snake—not some ghostly devil mask,” said concerned parent Susan Winters. “My daughter hasn’t been the same since. She’s been drawing pentagrams in her agenda book and dyed her favorite doll’s hair black! To make matters worse, we can’t even take her to church to repent because she keeps sneaking matches in with her.”
Rockwood, known primarily for being the frontman of local black metal outfit Plague Rat, contends that face painting is about more than familiar imagery and fun.
“For too long the art of face painting has been marred by a sick cacophony of capitalistic influence and vibrant colors not seen in nature,” Rockwood lamented. “I’m an artist and corpse paint is the truth. When a kid sits in my chair, I bring their inner turmoil to the surface with shades of black and white—even if they say they just want to look like a Ninja Turtle or whatever. You can’t truly live until you look dead and, whether they know it or not, they’re walking away looking like themselves for the first time ever.”
Wincrest vice principal Vivian Brock has since made it clear that this is an isolated incident and not indicative of any changes in the school’s educational ideology.
“Parents have absolutely nothing to worry about,” Brock insisted. “This individual’s actions do not represent who we are at Wincrest. Our school will continue to adhere to the longstanding tradition of sneaking Christian messages into education and avoiding anything that challenges the status quo. We have even revamped our vetting process for entertainers to ensure wholesome fun for upcoming events. Students can expect nothing but unicorns and spiderwebs from all upcoming face painters!”
At press time, Rockwood was banned from face painting at future school events, but has recently been seen working birthday parties and quinceañeras in the community.