BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local couple Jordan Meyers and Alexis Carter reportedly left their unique collection of used sex toys ignored in their kitchen sink, treating them with the same level of neglect reserved for coffee mugs and takeout containers, uncomfortable friends report.
“They are a lot of fun when you’re using them, you know? You don’t really think about the boring, unsexy part—like scrubbing lube out of tiny crevices with an old toothbrush,” said Meyers, nudging a neon pink rabbit out of the way to rinse out a cereal bowl. “But instead of cleaning them, we just kept buying new ones so now we have an assortment of dildos, fleshlights, buzzers, diamond dusters, flickers, jammers, ball gags, pounders, hunk trunks, dialters, winkies, mock-cocks, clitty-clitty-bang-bangs, tubthumpers, and wünderbars taking up valuable space in our sink. Hell, I even had to move a few quadra-sex 5000s to the bathroom tub in the meantime.”
Carter, who claims to be the only one who regularly cleans the growing collection, expressed frustration at the situation.
“I don’t know what half of these do. I am all for play in the bedroom, but I don’t want to have to frantically wash a 12-inch suction-cup dildo when my parents show up unannounced,” Carter said, glaring at a silicone tentacle half-submerged in soapy water. “But who’s the one always always washing them? Me. Strap-ons aren’t nearly as sexy when you’re scrubbing them down with antibacterial spray. This must be why people hire cleaning services.”
Experts suggest that couples overwhelmed by adult toy maintenance should consider downsizing.
“The key to avoiding sex toy clutter is investing in one high-quality, multi-functional device rather than stockpiling cheap ones like you’re preparing for an erotic apocalypse,” said Dr. Vanessa Fields, sex educator and host of the popular Catch the Vibe sex-advice podcast. “If you’re staring at a sink full of latex and wondering how your life got here, it might be time to rethink your approach in the bedroom. Maybe take a week or two off and reevaluate those kinks.”
At press time, Meyers and Carter ultimately decided to throw everything out and become celibate rather than deal with the hassle of washing the sex toys.