LONDON — Legendary British metal band Iron Maiden found themselves writing a song about the British Credit Crisis of 1772 after discovering they had already covered every other topic in human history, sources report.
“I went into the studio excited to write a song about ancient Egypt, but we apparently already did that decades ago,” said frontman Bruce Dickinson. “I went to my backup plan of a chronological narration of the life of Alexander the Great, but sure enough, the closer to ‘Somewhere in Time’ already took care of that. So I then scrambled through some history books and wrote lyrics about the Falklands War, but it turns out we did that on ‘Virtual XI.’ Honestly, that one shouldn’t even count because I wasn’t even on that album. I ended up picking this boring credit crisis because there was literally nothing left. It’s going to be tough trying to give this subject matter that adventurous Maiden sound.”
Fan Pua Kalani expressed her concerns about her favorite band.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love Iron Maiden,” Kalani said. “I just think they’ve been around for so long that it’s starting to affect their ability to write new music. I mean, it’s tough seeing the band that wrote ‘The Trooper’ and ‘Flash of the Blade’ resorting to writing songs about 18th century finance just to continue being original. I have a passion for the most exciting parts of history that began with Iron Maiden, so it’s a drag seeing them write songs about some old British prick shorting East India Company stock.”
Music expert Claude Runer was not surprised at the issue Iron Maiden was facing.
“Metal bands that have been around for decades find themselves starved for new ideas all the time,” Runer offered. “How many different ways can Deicide express their hatred for God via song lyrics, or Cannibal Corpse describe someone being killed in a horrible fashion? My advice to Mr. Dickinson is to just call it quits on the new stuff altogether. Nobody’s going to Iron Maiden concerts excited to hear the new material, so he should just consider himself lucky to have made a career out of music, even if it means satiating his fans by playing ‘2 Minutes to Midnight’ for the millionth time.”
At press time, Dickinson was considering writing science fiction lyrics inspired by the work of Aldous Huxley before realizing he’d already done that, too.