TACOMA, Wash. — Local dude Grant Brentfield wouldn’t shut the hell up about being brutally attacked with a knife just a few moments ago, confirmed mildly inconvenienced sources.
“Like, we get it, man. You are gradually bleeding out onto the sidewalk, in excruciating pain the likes of which you’ve never experienced before, and need someone to call 9-11 for you. No need to keep going on and on about it,” said bystander Craig Vanguard. “A good 1,500 people a year die from knife-based attacks in the US, so this guy isn’t special or anything, no matter how much he tries to make this whole stabbing thing about himself. Some people just can’t read the room. For instance, I need to get to work and now I have to wait around for the police since I’m technically a witness to the incident. I don’t think I’d mind so much but he keeps on moaning like a baby. C’mon, at least try to take a knife to the abdomen like an adult.”
Brentfield just couldn’t seem to let it go.
“I’m starting to lose consciousness, so that’s probably where my sense of urgency is coming from,” said Brentfield. “I’m sorry to be such a bother to others, but if someone wouldn’t mind calling an ambulance that would really do me a solid right now. Oh, and if anyone happens to have a towel on them to help stop the bleeding, that would be huge. No worries, if not. I understand everyone is just walking around thinking about their own problems and likely not considering anyone else, including me who’s starting to think his intestines might be popping out. Being stabbed is just not all it’s cracked up to be.”
Experts noted that this phenomenon was nothing new.
“People have a tendency to use their struggles as a way to amplify themselves,” said counselor Gina Norman. “One day you’re making up new mental health disorders to garner sympathy, the next you’re using the gunshot wound you sustained 10 minutes ago to make everyone around within shouting distance pay attention to you. It’s gross. We live in a society. No one should be forced to acknowledge others’ existence, let alone help them in so-called trying times. We need to do better.”
At press time, a nearby man would not shut up about being run over by a Subaru Outback 10 minutes ago.