NEW YORK — Local crustie Joel McCaffrey was seen excitedly planning a romantic Valentine’s Day evening for his partner by leaving a trail of loose cigarettes from their front door leading to their dirty floor mattress, neighbors have confirmed.
“Normally we don’t acknowledge Valentine’s Day because it’s a scam holiday perpetrated by corporations and restaurants with dress codes, but Kelly and I have been together for ten years now and I wanted to do something special. So I saved all the loose cigarettes we’ve bummed from people at shows over the last year and used them to make a path through our apartment to the mattress we took from the house we used to squat in,” said McCaffrey. “I handpicked a robust bouquet of Marlboros, Pall Malls, and American Spirits complete with lipstick stains from the ones she’s already used. I can’t wait to see her face when she walks in, provided I’m not passed out in bed when she gets back.”
McCaffrey’s girlfriend had suspected he was up to something, but was surprised nonetheless.
“Joel isn’t exactly the lovey-dovey type so I didn’t think anything of it when he wasn’t smoking any of the cigarettes he was bumming from people at the bar last week. But this is hands down the sweetest thing he’s ever done for me. He even spelled out my name in all the lighters we borrowed and never returned,” said Kelly Greene. “This is the second most romantic gesture he’s done for me with cigs since he burned my name into his ass with lit ones for our five-year anniversary. Lightly rubbing the mattress with a scented dryer sheet really got me in the mood too. How did I get so lucky?”
Relationship experts agreed that McCaffrey’s plans showed he truly knew his partner.
“The love languages aren’t black and white as people have been led to believe. Sure, acts of service and words of affirmation are nice but there are lots of happy couples out there who bond over utter degeneracy and crowd killing at shows,” said marriage counselor Wendy Nicholls. “Cigarettes strewn across the floor of a dirty apartment is no less valid than a romantic candlelight dinner. It’s all about that personal touch.”
McCaffrey later capped off the romantic evening by gifting Greene an ornate Edible Arrangement he stole from their neighbor’s doorstep right after it was delivered.