So you’re still living paycheck to paycheck despite having a degree and 15+ years of work experience—it’s probably time to look into a side hustle. You might ask, “How will I have time for a full-time job and a side gig when I already work overtime?” It’s simple! If you put your mind to it, you too, can fulfill your sole purpose of achieving maximum productivity during this fleeting moment in space and time. Here are 5 side hustles that will almost make you forget you have to work 85 hours a week to make ends meet.
Clinical Trial Participant
There are plenty of opportunities to donate your body to science in exchange for Amazon gift cards. With the amount of side effects you’ll be experiencing, you won’t even remember that you work more than you see your family. Bleeding orifices and heart palpitations can be quite distracting!
Oreo Flavor Tester
Who even knows what those little perverts at Oreo are up to. It’s almost like they get off on playing god. This is where you come in—all you have to do is try new flavors like “grandma’s couch,” “Nine Inch Nails,” and “burp remnants,” while a completely naked marketing team watches your reactions behind a two-way mirror. It’s honestly one of the easiest ways to make a cool $25 on a Wednesday.
Pet Taxidermist
The best part about this gig is that there is no training required—you can learn how to take the little guys apart and put them back together, just by watching YouTube videos. You really get to use your hands. Removing the innards of beloved pets and stuffing their dead bodies with synthetic materials is actually quite a meditative experience. It can help with any residual anxiety from working overtime, especially during the holidays.
Janitor at Porno Theater
Love cinema? Maybe you’re a huge fan of sex. Well, get ready for the best of both worlds. Kick back and relax during the credits of a pornographic film. After a long day at the office, this gig offers a textural playground of mystery fluids and a smell you’ll never forget.
Blood Bag for Rich Guy
There’s never a shortage of rich nerds looking for novel ways to become immortal. Try becoming their life source! Why waste time sleeping when you can drive three hours to an unmarked location on Google Maps to get drained dry in a stranger’s opulent foyer? There’s no way you’ll be hunted for sport on your way out. You’re much too valuable.
As my own side hustle, I am offering my services to help you find your next side gig over. For a small fee of just $79.99 a year, you can receive my real expert guidance over a bowl of broccoli cheddar soup at Panera Bread.