WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump met with his team of lawyers to discuss potential hush money payments to 335 million citizens after another round of fucking America raw, sources confirmed.
“I want to make it clear that the nation begged for this. I was elected in a landslide, no president has ever had as many votes as me. It was almost a perfect score, perfect votes, the voting was perfect. Most of these people should actually be paying me,” said Trump from the Oval Office. “These payments will just be to shut everyone up and make it so they can’t keep complaining. Look, some lunatics, real sick people, radical people with brains made out of mud and horse manure will say I’m bad at my job. But I’m just going to keep fucking this country until they love me. And I’m great at fucking, one of the best. One time I met Peter North and he actually asked me for tips, he looked like he was about to cry, but I said ‘Peter, just grab them by the pussy and shake them around’ and that’s how I invented squirting. Ask any woman, they love it.”
Democratic Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries says his party is trying to craft a cohesive message to combat Trump.
“Honestly, it’s kind of hot sitting back and watching Trump fuck the nation so hard. But at the end of the day us Democrats were too busy fucking ourselves and we took our eyes off the prize,” said Jeffries from a leather chair in the corner of the room. “My biggest problem is that this seems to be a three-way between Trump, the Nation, and Elon Musk, and I can’t just sit here stroking off while an unelected billionaire raw dogs this great country. Once the nation opens its eyes and sees Elon’s pale, husky torso thrusting above them, we hope everyone will wake up and we can start putting together a plan to fight back.”
Right-wing political pundit Ben Shapiro believes the hush money payments are totally unnecessary.
“I find it ridiculous, any person, or country lucky enough to make love with Trump wouldn’t need to be paid to keep quiet. If Trump was to grace my bed with his presence I’d be shouting it from the rooftops,” said Shapiro. “I’d love 15 minutes with him, totally nude, exploring each other and laughing like little school boys. It’s a dream of mine that my wife hates hearing about, but since she knows that I’m the man of the house she will often dress up as Trump in the bedroom to help bring the fantasy close to reality.”
At press time, Meta founder Mark Zuckerberg encouraged more masculine energy on his platforms by allowing users to share nude AI photos of Trump for all to see.