Take note, Charles Perrault! And would someone PLEASE shove the hemorrhaging corpse of Grace Kelly out of the driver’s seat?? Because there’s a new, real-life Cinderella in town, and she’s a 36-year-old unemployed Missouri woman with a severe rodent infestation.
“My name is Dolores Twarp, I got rats and my stepmom is a bitch, what of it?”
We had the chance to speak with Dolores one enchanted evening outside a Kirkwood methadone clinic, where she regaled us with stories from her uniquely fairy-tale life.
“I moved in with my stepmom and stepsisters a few weeks back. But they’re always on my case about how I never do my chores and I need to stop free-bleeding on the ivory beige carpet. I’m also friends with a couple dwarves and one of em’ is pretty angry and the other is fucking stupid. But yeah, Cinderella works, I guess. Can I have a cigarette?”
And just like Cinderella, Dolores has a pretty hazardous rodent infestation.
“Oh shit yeah, the rats definitely do my bidding, but I don’t got much use for fancy gowns and elegant balls, so instead I make my rats grab me a Lunchable from the fridge, or if I sell some of my used panties online I’ll let them box ‘em up and take ‘em down to the post office. Sometimes it works, and then sometimes I find my old boy shorts serving as the load-bearing wall of a rat’s nest. But it’s the price of unpaid rodent deliveries.”
Unfortunately, Dolores does not have a fairy godmother and must deal with her evil stepmother on her own.
“Yeah, I’ll admit it, I’m the one who gave everyone in the house sucking lice. But I only did it because I thought they would eradicate the Rat Lungworm infestation. And no, actually I don’t know how everyone in the house caught Rat Lungworm. Why does everyone blame the lady with the loose rodents scrounging in her bed? Maybe my mom picked it up at the rotary club. You can’t prove she didn’t.”
But like every true princess, at the end of the day, Dolores simply wants true love.
“I’m just looking for a Prince Charming who won’t require me to wear a dental dam. So if you know anybody, tell ‘em to hurry up because this pumpkin’s already starting to rot.”
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, indeed!