SAN DIEGO — Local show attendee Sean Jessey had no choice but to purchase unwanted concert merch to avoid admitting publicly that he’d spent 30 minutes in the wrong line, according to impatient sources.
“I couldn’t tell the guy at the merch table that I really just needed to take a leak, not buy this piece of shit hoodie,” said Jessey, as he looked with disappointment at the crooked logo on his new sweatshirt. “I’d gone to the bar when I got here instead of watching that terrible opening band, and I thought there was enough time to go break the seal before Bad Religion came on. But when I got to the front of the line, I panicked and bought the cheapest thing they had in my size to get out of there. It was either this or a $60 poster that would’ve been crushed by the end of the night. They were all sold out of the $5 patches. That would’ve really helped me out of this jam.”
Friends of Jessey revealed that he missed his favorite band’s set during his voyage to the merch table.
“I don’t get why this is so fucking difficult for him,” said Richard Jarrett, as he scanned the crowd for his lost friend. “That idiot told us he was just going to go rock a piss and come back with drinks. Bad Religion played for over two hours and Sean still isn’t back! I gave up waiting about halfway through their set and went to get my own beer. Unfortunately, I mistook the bar line for the merch line. Long story short, I bought this $45 shirt I didn’t really want. But hey, at least I made it back in time to catch the second encore.”
Employees at the venue explained that this is a frequent occurrence there.
“People don’t pay attention when they’re in a crowd, they see a line forming and rush to claim a spot before it gets longer,” explained bartender Raul Troy. “Nobody bothers to check what the line is for. There was a guy at the bar last week who screamed at me for not having any medium shirts. Another one spit on me and said I wasted his time because he thought he’d been in line to take a photo with the band. You learn to expect these kinds of things when you work in this industry.”
At press time, Jessey was seen tying the hoodie around his waist to hide his visibly wet pants as he reentered the merch line.