WASHINGTON — Frontman Abha Alvarez of punk band Kissinger’s Prostate disappeared suddenly and was replaced with unknown musician Holden Everett mid-tour after Alvarez performed a new song “Red, White, and Profit” targeting American imperialism, leading some to suspect CIA involvement, fans of the band report.
“Abha did this song about how American democracy is just another form of feudalism. We knew that our music was rubbing some powerful people the wrong way, this may have been the last straw,” said bassist Lynn Sullivan after realizing all of Alvarez’s social media had been wiped. “The next morning we woke up and this blonde guy named Holden was driving the tour van. He said Alvarez quit and he is our new frontman. Now our whole set-list is Toby Keith covers and songs about how punk it is to enlist in the Army.”
When questioned about the sudden shakeup, a CIA spokesperson neither confirmed nor denied involvement but issued a statement:
“The CIA is committed to protecting the best interests of America and the American people, whether that’s abroad or in niche music scenes,” the unnamed spokesperson stated from the shadows of a barely-lit venue bathroom. “We’ll continue to support efforts that promote democracy and the Constitution, even when it comes to bands with only 74 followers on Bandcamp.”
Historians explained this type of intervention isn’t unprecedented or even uncommon.
“Guatemala, Chile, The Congo… the CIA has a long track record of toppling regimes they find inconvenient to American policies,” explained Dr. Morgan Palladino, an expert in U.S. covert operations at Georgetown University. “It’s no surprise they’d apply the same tactics to punk bands that criticize the establishment and fill young peoples’ heads with ideas they find un-American. Many people believe that Dez Cadena was a CIA plant in Black Flag and that his whole career is a government psyop.”
At press time, Everett has taken full control of the group and replaced all members with session musicians loyal to himself, and renamed the band The Free Marketeers.