With all these women making serious bank on social media sharing their lives as “Trad Wives” it got me thinking: I’m a traditional husband; why not me?
First off, I believe in the traditional family. And like everyone else who says that I pick and choose which traditions I’m talking about, based entirely on what suits my needs in the moment.
As a Trad husband, I know that a woman’s place is at home. And a man’s place is in several homes with several women, none of whom know about each other. And sure my wife probably knows about the other ones, but that’s just motivation to keep her looking fit and trim. Plus where else will she find someone who won’t ever help with dinner, but always complains about it?
As a dad who is Trad, I let the kids know who’s boss. I practice corporal punishment with my sons, letting them know that they get the belt if they ever talk back, show emotion, or do better than me in sports. As for my daughters, they are chaste angel princesses whose virginity I will protect with violence, regardless of whether or not they want me to. I will NOT let anyone sexualize my daughters, and refuse to acknowledge that my obsession with their virginity is, in and of itself, sexualizing them. You’re creepy, not me.
I’m entirely unqualified for my job, but I’m tall. That, along with the fact that I’m classically handsome and white, makes stupid people feel safe. Therefore my inadequacies are overlooked, so as to hold up the appearance of the status quo. What’s more traditional than that?
On top of that, my inability to follow through on projects at work has been misinterpreted as confidence, which in turn has actually given me more confidence. But because I did nothing to earn this confidence, underneath this frail shell, my whole personality is built on a fragile foundation of insecurity and defensiveness, that will lash out, violently, to protect my ego. You know, guy shit.
I know I’m no saint. Look, nobody’s perfect. Or as the t-shirt one of my kids bought me says, “pobody’s nerfect!” At least I think it was one of my kids. It might’ve been one of the young women from my congregation I’m sleeping with. Did I mention I’m a youth pastor? Because obviously I’m a youth pastor. TikTok here I come!