GREENSBORO, N.C. — Local angsty teen goth hang and ironic t-shirt purveyor Hot Topic traded one of their employees to the more age-appropriate Ann Taylor this week after celebrating her 25th birthday.
“My shift started out pretty great,” noted recently released employee, Anna Gonzales. “My co-workers were really sweet and got me a cake to celebrate my 25th birthday. They even got me a few presents, but I knew something was up when I opened them. It was all pantsuits, cardigans, and blazers. I was expecting something along the lines of a denim Hello Kitty skirt, fuzzy platform boots, and a My Chemical Romance hoodie. It’s like they wanted me to cosplay as an old boring person or something. Then they started shepherding me out the door chanting ‘LOFT’ and I knew it was all over.”
Hot Topic manager and “Nightmare Before Christmas” Funko collectible enthusiast Draven Ravenscroft provided an insider look.
“We at Hot Topic believe that all of our employees should be able to explore new horizons at other retailers after their 25th birthday. Plus, they’re just fucking old,” replied the 19-year-old Ravenscroft. “We really have to consider our clientele. I mean, who would want to buy their Grinch mini-backpacks and spiked eyebrow barbells from some decrepit ghoul in their mid-twenties? No thank you. So we send our aged-out employees to Ann Taylor and in return they set us up with a case of unused safety pins. We go through those things like crazy.”
Further investigation into the little-known rite of passage of mall employees from Hot Topic to more age-suitable retailers revealed that there have been some rocky transitions in the past.
“Oh yes, I remember it quite well,” regaled local Hot Topic historian Luna Thornsberry. “About twenty years ago, an elderly employee refused to move on, so mall security sedated her with a goblet of absinth, put a lavender cashmere sweater on her, and assisted her to Ann Taylor. Next thing she knew, she was selling leather tote bags and plaid blanket scarves to suburban moms. You really hate to see things go down that way so publicly.”
At press time, corporate lawyers successfully made a deal with Talbot’s and Lane Bryant to help displace the abundant rapidly-aging Hot Topic workforce.