So, you don’t want to fly home for Thanksgiving but need to avoid the Greek tragedy level guilt trip you’ll receive from your mother if you simply decline. Maybe you’re scared you’ll flip the cranberry sauce and stuffing if talks become political, or maybe you’re just staying away from run-of-the-mill toxic family dynamics. If you’ve said “I’d rather get my ass bit by a Labrador in a vest than get on a plane for that shit,” we’ve got the guide for you. Here is our foolproof way to get attacked by the TSA dogs.
Ideally, you’ll just want to get a little nibble caused by a clear misunderstanding. This will give you all the evidence required without adding to your criminal record. For this, you’ll want to line your pants with cured meats. If you get lucky, this will be enough and a newbie dog will bite your tasty legs right then and there. You have to remember these are highly-trained dogs, so you might not be able to get it to notice your meat trap right away. There is a simple fix for that. Simply walk up to the TSA agent with the dog, tell them “You look exactly like a guy I went to school with who got accused of setting a Taco Bell on fire,” and while the agent is distracted you shove your meaty thigh violently in the dogs face, the dog won’t be able to resist.
If you’re serious about not being called a commie while eating a meal celebrating colonization, you’re going to need backups. Next, you’re going to want to act erratic. Babble, yell at some people, threaten to take your dick out, actually take your dick out. This will cause TSA to come over. These are not attack dogs, so you will need to subtly provoke the dog into attacking you. Your best bet? Start violently jerking around and reaching for the dogs genitals, it will instinctively latch onto your arm, and after being treated by an airport EMT and a standard detention process you will be released and free to go home to watch Netflix by yourself.
But even this may not be enough for the most well-trained canine. This is where you break out the airport security sign bingo card. You know the one. The dogs are trained to smell all these items. I’ve found a combo of 3 is the sweet spot. You could go weed, gun, lighter. Maybe biohazards, gasoline, knife. Poison, matches, bomb is a personal favorite. Don’t be afraid to get creative. There’s no reason you can’t have a little fun with it. Don’t worry, though. You will get bit.
Just remember, a little blood and some torn muscles are worth it. You’ll be spending your Thanksgiving thanking me in no time. Happy Holidays.