WASHINGTON — Researchers at the National Music Lab released a groundbreaking new study that confirmed that hating bands or musicians solely due to their shitty fan bases is scientifically justified, according to insider sources.
“We embarked on this ambitious study with an open mind, and it resulted in a confirmation that being closed-minded enough to hate musicians because of their fans is not only totally acceptable, but mentally fulfilling,” stated Dr. Kenneth Tsagaris. “We did numerous experiments with dozens of control groups, and each time the result was the same, namely if you grew up hating acts like the Dave Matthews Band because of the hordes of braindead morons that followed them around. It’s totally kosher.”
Local music fan Chad Watkins is skeptical about the validity of this study.
“Hmm, I’m not sure how legit this study is, but come to think of it I definitely detest more bands than I like,” said Watkins. “At first I thought I was just a bitter-ass hater who needed to grow up, but it’s good to know that my vile behavior on social media when I attack bands like Metallica and Slipknot is because the stupidest people I went to high school with loved them and that my actions are normal and justified. I’m relieved that I can continue my toxic attitude without a guilty conscience. Thanks, science!”
Music expert Carla Shaw described how this phenomenon has a deep psychological component to it.
“The entire music industry is built on a sense of loathing,” Shaw explained. “Humans often need an outlet to express feelings of hate, and there’s no easier target than crowds of people who adore Tool or a group of gatekeeping fans who think Ghost is a gift from God. Even to this day, I can’t listen to Margaritaville because of those fools who dressed up like a bunch of Hawaiian pirates. Mind you, most of the time this hate is misguided, as bands should be judged on their own merits and not on the folks who base their entire personalities on them. Well, maybe except for Pantera.”
At press time, the researchers released a follow-up study confirming it was also cool to hate bands who your no-good ex used to like.