The holidays are a difficult time for many people, but especially for losers who no one loves or even thinks about. For a lot of people, making a whole Thanksgiving spread is a stressful and difficult experience and if you’re a member of a punk house with three overdue gas bills stuffed under a couch cushion, it can feel downright impossible.
But fortunately for our hope for the human race, a Thanksgiving miracle has occurred! When the members of Squirrel Gut Ripper, a Chicago landmark of griminess and unpleasant roommate interactions, realized no one in the house knew how to cook a turkey, they all just decided to get fucked up together.
Wow. We may live in a new dark age, but it’s good to know that even in uncertain times, people of the same subculture can get together, fail to do a communal activity, engage in some passive-aggression, and get falling-down drunk off Olde English 800.
According to sources with more stable living environments, the various members of Squirrel Gut Ripper, many of whom look vaguely familiar to each other, all assumed that someone else in the house would know how to prepare a roast turkey from scratch and could contribute some kind of holiday nostalgia for the house. Tough luck, shitheads! It turns out that none of you even know where to actually buy a turkey, let alone turn an oven on.
However, when times got hard, the denizens of Squirrel Gut Ripper didn’t turn their backs on the spirt of Thanksgiving, except for Dandruff Dan, who’s a fucking dick anyway. Instead, they argued about whose job it was to clean the three-week-old dishes in the sink and cracked a case of 8 Ball so they could blunt the stench of the rancid squalor they live in long enough to have some kind of communal feeling!
It really makes you think.
And we admit that it wasn’t all that miraculous that Jeff and Holly Molly got in a fight after he suggested that they could maybe find some potatoes to mash or something and sort of implied that she could cook for the house, but we’re just going to ignore that for now, which is usually what everyone does with Jeff anyway.
But just as the Pilgrims and Native Americans could get together for the first Thanksgiving and not commit genocide for a single Thursday afternoon, Squirrel Gut Ripper managed to pull off a holiday feat and get everyone tanked enough that they passed out before anyone could get sad about how much they miss actually having a family that cared about them.
And if that’s not the true spirit of Thanksgiving, what is?