We all know the rules: try your hardest to be a good person and spend your life committing honorable deeds to be rewarded with an eternity in paradise when you die. Those of us who were raised Christian have had this lesson ingrained in our brains from early childhood, and hopefully it’s motivated us to do some good in our communities or turn the other cheek to those who mean us harm. However, one crafty person has found a way around this holy doctrine and ensured himself a seat at the right hand of the Father despite spending his life causing nothing but pain and suffering!
Whoa! Is this for real?
You bet it is! Meet 44-year-old Brock Wesley Dunn of Plainfield, Wisconsin. An accountant by day, Brock has chosen to spend his free time torturing and murdering hitchhikers he’s picked up in surrounding communities. While such an, erm, alternative lifestyle would typically earn someone perpetual torment at the hands of Satan’s hordes of sadistic demons, Brock has found himself a loophole by getting a crucifix tattoo on his right bicep, and in so doing proven his allegiance to God!
Pretty cool!
With this hastily-designed and poorly-executed cross adorned with the word “FAITH” emblazoned on his arm for the rest of his life, Brock has managed to skirt cosmic laws and earn himself a place in the divine kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Of course, this is small consolation for the poor hitchhikers trapped in his basement awaiting their certain doom (especially because Brock has recently discovered his proclivity for skinning people alive,) but we’ll gladly receive uplifting news wherever we can get it in today’s world. Hooray for Brock!
Let this be a lesson to those of us who have spent our time donating to the poor or volunteering at food banks that there’s an easier way. While millions try to curry favor with God by wasting their time with these costly and boring activities, Brock gets to indulge in his demented practice of donning his deceased mother’s nightgown and dancing in front of the dozens of shattered mirrors distributed amongst his house until he’s hit peak sexual arousal, at which point he can descend into the basement and extract specimens from his still-living victims for his macabre arts-and-crafts projects! That’s certainly not the way we’d choose to spend our leisure hours, but who are we to judge someone who’s so cleverly circumvented the wishes of his Maker?
While we most certainly hope to never have the privilege of meeting Brock, we can’t help but applaud his ingenuity. One thing’s for certain: there are billions upon billions of damned souls currently having the flames of hell lick at their flesh who would’ve loved to be in the know on this one!