Well, it looks like your worst fear has been realized: a portion of your bare ass has just grazed the dive bar toilet seat. While hovering over the blood-stained bowl, you slipped on a used condom and your knees buckled. It all happened so fast. You landed right onto three decade’s worth of caked on fecal matter, vomit, and unidentified bodily fluids. But you can’t blame yourself—your butt cheeks were drawn to it, like moths to a dusty porch light, or wraiths to the ring.
Don’t worry, there’s plenty you can do within the next five minutes before flesh-eating bacteria causes your butt to rot and fall off. Here are our top 10 go-to activities for the last few moments before you say “bye-bye” to your backside.
Hold a Zoom Vigil: Invite family and friends who will miss your absolute dump truck. Photos and videos are highly encouraged. May they remember it fondly.
Find an Online Mystic: Hypnosis is a powerful way to trick yourself into thinking your ass is still there. Life might feel somewhat normal, like living with a phantom limb.
Post a Thirst Trap: Take one last low-angle photo of your ass to memorialize it in all its glory. Post it to every social network, including LinkedIn. Your employers should know you’ll need a standing desk moving forward.
Prepare an Ice Bucket: It’s gonna fall clean off and land on the floor. You’ve gotta put it on ice before it starts rotting. Modern medicine has come so far—they might be able to reattach it to your body. At the very least, you can save it and sell it on Facebook Marketplace.
Boof a Rum and Coke: There’s no time better than now to drink some alcohol through your butthole. Might as well take the opportunity before it’s gone forever.
Hire a Caricature Artist: What better way to immortalize your fudge factory than with a silly caricature of it? They’ll be able to capture its essence and highlight cute details like the three moles on your right cheek that form the shape of Orion’s Belt.
Call Your Mom: This is an insanely good reason to call your mom. She’ll know what to do. Her decades-old healing method of chicken noodle soup, Sprite and Vicks VapoRub will make you feel better in no time.
Alert the Government: You might have some great benefits coming your way if you frame this properly. Injured at a public establishment? You’ll be swimming (without a butt, of course) in cash. This could be the lawsuit you’ve been dreaming of.
Sit on Grass: Find a small patch of grass to sit on with your bare ass. Some people say you can’t smell or taste anything through your anus, but now that your senses are heightened, who knows? Let your behind take it all in.
Let Your Partner Go For It: Most importantly, just let your partner go for it. Let them get up in there and motorboat the hell out of that cake — put a finger or five in the back door. Let them grab the ham hocks, slap the booty, hold a tea party on that dumper, whatever they can think of!
If you’re in need of further post-detachment resources, please reach out for recommendations on the following: guided ass therapists, prosthetic butts and glute support groups.