CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. — Archaeologists reportedly uncovered ancient cave paintings that depict the very first telling of the Marilyn Manson rib surgery story, amazed sources say.
“It confirms a lot of theories we have had for years about the origin of that legend,” said tenured archaeology professor Adam Patel as he erased a crudely drawn mustache and devil horns off of one of the painted figures. “This painting shows that the story was passed down orally on playgrounds for generations, often by the kids whose parents let them watch R-rated movies by themselves. It’s amazing to see that tradition still being upheld today. We can tell by these markings that the speaker heard the tale from their older brother, who probably listened to an ancient genre of music called ‘igneous rock.’ Some notable bands from this era are Dinosaur Sr., Great-Great Grandpapa Roach, and the Rolling Stones. Not like a tongue-in-cheek, caveman parody of the Rolling Stones, but the actual Rolling Stones.”
Local conspiracy theorist Jo Baldwin had this to say about the historical discovery:
“This cave painting is clearly the work of aliens,” spat Jo as she turned the volume down on the YouTube Shorts she had been watching on her phone. “Isn’t it a little strange that multiple civilizations who never had any contact with one another all have their own versions of some ribless freak sucking his own dick? Obviously, Marilyn Manson is an immortal, extraterrestrial being who has been affecting the course of human history from the shadows. Actually, I wish it was from the shadows, so I wouldn’t have to look at his fugly mug anymore. I believe humans built the pyramids and landed on the moon, but no one is convincing me that ‘The Beautiful People’ is of human origin. That’s where I draw the line.”
Comedian and MMA commentator Joe Rogan also weighed in on the discovery in the latest episode of his podcast, “The Joe Rogan Experience.”
“These cave paintings are products of a time when men were men,” said Joe Rogan, while applying carnauba wax to the top of his head. “Remember the good old days when you could pay thousands of dollars to surgically remove your ribs to suck your own penis and no one made a stink about it? Nowadays, the woke mob will never let you forget it. People are just way too sensitive. I’ve actually been training a new Jiu-Jitsu technique called the ‘Madonna Wayne Gacy’ that allows me to squish my body in a way that I can suck my own wang without having to go under the knife. Andrew Huberman told me that auto-fellatio increases your natural testosterone levels by 200%. I think that’s what he said, anyway.”
At press time, the researchers who made this amazing discovery are now following a lead on an ancient tome that allegedly contains the first “transgender Lady Gaga” rumor.