CHULA VISTA, Calif — After spending hours trying to put her newly washed duvet cover back on her comforter, an exhausted, sweat-covered Elianna Davies finally succumbed to the fifth stage of grief and accepted it was a project for another day, sources close to the victim confirmed.
“At first it was pure unadulterated anger,” said the grief-stricken Davies. “Turning the closed fist towards the heavens, I cried out to God, ‘Why me?’ That’s when the guilt came pouring in. Most people try to comfort you by saying it wasn’t your fault, but if I wasn’t eating sushi in bed, I wouldn’t have spilled half a cup of soy sauce on my duvet cover and I wouldn’t be in this predicament. That’s what picks away at you.”
Despite being considered a stoic and independent woman by her family and friends, those closest to Davies worry that she is just one minor inconvenience away from unraveling.
“This year alone, she lost almost all her Tupperware and is just left with a useless pile of lids,” said Simon Bowers, Davies’ longtime partner. “How much loss can one person take before they fall apart? I offered to help when I saw her flailing around inside the duvet, but she screamed at me to go away and told me I ‘wouldn’t understand.’ When she finds out our vacuum cleaner is overheating and just spewing out dust, all hell is going to break loose.”
Thankfully, grief experts say humans are capable of rebounding from extreme emotional lows and becoming somewhat recognizable versions of themselves again.
“You should stay in the denial stage as long as you can,” said grief counselor and esteemed author of “Top of the Mourning to You” Ingrid Pugh. “However, if you’re already too far along in the grief process, I suggest a prolonged stay in the anger phase. There’s no shame in deciding duvets are a complete waste of energy and burning the entire comforter set in the backyard while the neighbors watch in horror.”
At press time, Davies was seen checking herself into a local mental health treatment center after putting her fitted sheet on the wrong way.