OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local drone metal fan Judson Riley waited patiently through an entire show to use the bathroom so he wouldn’t miss his favorite note, anxious downstream sources confirmed.
“I’ve been waiting the whole set to hear B-flat, but it’s been almost an hour and so far nothing. I’m having a good time, but if I pace around much longer, I think I’m gonna burst. I knew pounding Hard Noons in the parking lot was a bad idea,” said Riley as he swayed painfully back and forth. “I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I still can’t live down that time I brought an extra-large Diet Pepsi into a ‘Lord of the Rings’ movie. I was already embarrassed enough thinking everyone would assume I’m into black metal. I didn’t need to be slightly more embarrassed pissing myself.”
Leslie Cordova, guitar tech for the band Endless Longing, is extremely familiar with their set.
“Sure, I know the setlist by heart at this point. But I don’t remember seeing any of the B-flat songs. If you’re waiting on that, you’re gonna have a long night. You know they’re playing ‘The Elks Made Porridge in the Dragon’s Den’ in its entirety, right?” said Cordova as he pointed to the tour poster of the same name. “There’s not a single B-flat in the whole thing. Maybe they’ll play something different for an encore, but I promise you they’re going to get through all 157 minutes of that album first.”
Charley Parks, longtime janitor for the venue, was almost wrapping up for the evening.
“I saw him rush in while I was mopping up. I could see the relief in his eyes as he finally made it to the stall, but no. The asshole pissed all over my floor, just inches away from the toilet,” said Parks, rolling his eyes. “I don’t know what’s wrong with these metalheads. As he walked out in shame, I could hear him muttering something about a note. I’ve heard of the brown note, but what’s the one that makes you piss on the tile?”
At press time, Riley was overheard assuring friends in the parking lot, “I know what it says, but I’m pretty sure ‘E’ means we’ve got at least 100 miles.”