APPLETON, Wis. — Local woman Allyson Boyle was completely turned off after discovering that her date Doug Innis referred to his braided goatee as a “fur baby,” confirmed sources who couldn’t get the check faster.
“I don’t normally date guys who look like they were the bass player of a nu metal band in 2002, but he was seemingly so passionate about animals that I was smitten. I was having trouble understanding what kind of pet he had though,” Boyle explained. “He kept talking about how his fur baby loved getting pets from strangers but that it also had a very pungent smell that could be off-putting. That’s when he dipped that gross 12-inch chin beard into a bowl of corn chowder and said ‘baby’s hungry.’ But hey, at least he didn’t say he had a pet tarantula. I would’ve fled the scene immediately.”
Innis, for what it’s worth, considered this to be one of the better dates he’s been on since going hog wild with facial hair.
“As a fur daddy, dating can be complicated,” Innis expressed. “I’ve found that most women don’t actually like fur babies, even though their dating profiles clearly state otherwise. And yet they’re all obsessed with dogs too, it’s weird. Dogs are kinda gross and you can’t even braid their hair. Believe me, I once tried on an Afghan Hound and it nearly ripped my goatee square off of my face. How dare that thing mess with my precious facial offspring.”
Their waiter, Kenny Ahearn, was one of the many bystanders grossed out by their date.
“There used to be a time when you couldn’t eat in a restaurant with a braided goatee. And for good reason. After all, this is a nice restaurant, Edward Norton’s stunt double eats here,” said Ahearn. “Like, I’m glad they have their rights and protections now, but this is what happens when you leave your fur baby all exposed like that. I’m a fur daddy too but I keep that shit underneath my nose where it should be. My fur baby mustache is too dear to me to leave it so out in the open and vulnerable to the elements.”
At press time, Innis forgot to mention that he also has several cats that he considers his fur pets.