Should we really let “society” determine when it is and is not appropriate to get a nice buzz on? The answer is categorically yes, if there were no guardrails on my consumption I would have been dead years ago, but I do bend the rules from time to time, and aside from when I didn’t have a license for 6 months, Daddy likey the results! Here’s a list of my top ten… let’s not say problematic… UNCONVENTIONAL alcoholic exploits that I have gotta say really worked out for me.
“My End-of-Year” Reviews at Work
SO WHAT if I channeled my inner Don Draper by slurpin’ some scotch before my performance reviews? I’m a classy fella! And goddammit, I think I performed WONDERFULLY this year. But yes I was fired. Which, funnily enough, was not on the table until my performance review…
“That Marathon I Got Peer Pressured Into Running”
Hey, I know my limits, and I CANNOT run a marathon. So like any responsible adult, I knocked back a couple of cold ones, sprinted the first mile (I felt invincible), puked, passed out, drank some gatorade. rallied, and made it to the bar by 2 pm. Did not come close to finishing the race.
“Therapy”
Look, therapy is all about opening up and being vulnerable. Coincidentally, that’s what alcohol does. But according to respectable society, “never the two shall meet…” until now, motherfuckers.
“My Court Date”
Ok, so I’m not legally allowed to discuss what I did, but all I’ll say is that I had the liquid courage to deliver the defense of the CENTURY. And yes, I did represent myself. Still waiting for the jury to deliver their… oh what? I’m super guilty? Well that makes sense…
“Open Climb” at My Friend’s Gym”
We all have that one friend who moved to a city without any hobbies and naturally fell into rock climbing. And it’s only a matter of time before that friend invites you to an “open climb” where you can watch them pretend to be a badass for 45 minutes. My advice to you? Rip a 40 on the train there.
“Pottery Class”
Naturally, wheel-throwing with midwestern moms and a homeschooler named Phoenix trying to fulfill his art credit calls for a vino vibe. So let’s get that Josh flowin’ ladies! Plus, Phoenix needs some driving hours for his learner’s permit, so he can be our D.D.!
“My TED Talk on Bees”
They say to trust your training, and my training involved hitting a dive bar on the way to my own Ted talk. So yeah. It might be the least coherent ted talk ever, but it’s also the MOST viewed. And THAT’S good television. What’s up? It’s not on TV? dammit. Sorry bees.
“Chaperoning My Kid’s Field Trip to the Zoo”
There are indisputable truths in life, and one of them is that uncrustables taste wayyyy better after you’ve ripped a 40 right before snacktime on a fourth-grade field trip to the zoo. Sure, I might’ve screamed at the Giraffes for giving me body issues (they’re so tall and skinny) but at least the booze buzz made my son’s friend KYLE wayyyy more tolerable. Cuz lemme tell ya, that kid sucks. like a LOT.
“That Flashmob that Also Doubled As My Brother’s Proposal”
Before you accuse me “not studying the choreography at all,” and “hip-checking that old lady down a flight of concrete stairs,” I just wanna say that my moves ROCKED. I mean, have you ever seen someone down an entire margarita tower and then completely ruin a proposal? Seriously, have you? My brother’s not speaking to me and I’m embarrassed… I need help…
“My Friend Jerry’s Improv 101 Graduation”
Sure, everyone gets a lil’ tipsy at comedy shows. But only real pros know that clubs DON’T sell booze at 9:30 in the fucking morning, which, as you might’ve guessed, is when they host IMPROV 101 GRADUATION. So naturally, I had to take matters into my own hands and toast my friend Jerry with a bottle of warm champagne that I chugged by myself in the uber to the venue. And lemme tell ya, Jerry was SO funny. I think. Actually, I don’t really remember the show.