I can no longer stay in denial—my wife Tiffany is keeping something from me. All the signs are there. She’s been distant and withdrawn. She takes her phone with her to the bathroom. She reeks of Lucky Strike cigarettes and she’s been letting casual racism fly left and right. It’s all too clear that my wife is having an affair with one of the characters from the critically acclaimed program “Mad Men.”
Figuring out which fictional prestige TV character my very real wife is having sex with is no small undertaking. Luckily, I’m currently in the middle of a manic episode, so I’ve been able to put in the work and crunch the numbers. Here are the “Mad Men” characters I’ve narrowed it down to ranked by the likelihood that they’re the culprit:
45. Trudy Campbell
Jesus, what am I talking about? My angel from heaven would never hurt me like this. Trudy, I mean. My wife is definitely fucking around.
44. Lou Avery
I don’t care how drunk and vengeful she was feeling, there’s no way my wife would let this hack loser lay a finger on her without immediately hanging herself the following morning, scouts honor.
43. Salvatore Romano
He’s funny, he’s charming and he should probably be higher on this list. However, my wife is not exactly his type, if you catch my meaning. You know, because she’s not Italian.
42. Bert Cooper
Bert Cooper gets hard for two things—shoeless feet and Ayn Rand. My wife is self conscious about her bunions and has never even been to Russia.
41. Joan Holloway
There’s no way someone could land Joanie and not brag about it to everyone, even the husband whose heart they’re breaking.
40. Abe Drexler
A lateral move at best. She’s already got a terrible partner full of social rage at home.
39. John Mathis
This twerp butchered Don’s best joke, he would for sure strike out with my overly critical emasculating battle axe of a wife.
38. Greg Harris
My wife has taken self-defense classes every Thursday for the last 5 years. That’s a lot of time, money, and effort for a piece of shit like Greg to lay a hand on her with his windpipe intact.
37. Bobbie Barrett
I find it highly unlikely that my real-life wife is having an affair with the fictional wife and manager of the fictional comedian Jimmy Barrett. She seems happy lately, and that’s not the effect Bobbie has on people.
36. Lois Sadler
Impossible. Didn’t you see the sparks between her and Sal?
35. Jane Sterling
Can’t rule it out. My wife has expressed interest in women and LSD.
34. Francine Hanson
She would seduce my wife just to be able to spread the gossip that my wife is having an affair.
33. Meredith
Meredith and my wife? No. I don’t think so. I feel like I would have heard about that.
32. Jimmy Barrett
At best he cried in the corner watching her get it on with his wife.
31. Paul Kinsey
If my wife wanted to fuck some egotistical hack who writes “Star Trek” fan fic she would just keep sleeping with me.
30. Ida Blankenship
Sure, she was placed as Don’s secretary specifically to stop him from fucking his secretaries, but I’m not ruling her out. Let us not forget that according to Roger she was “The Queen of Perversions of the highest order” back in her heyday. Could she be taking up her old hellcat lifestyle with my beloved wife? I did find a Werther’s Original in her purse last week.
29. Stan Rizzo
Do I think my wife has a secret relationship with Stan that started as purely antagonistic and blossomed into a genuine friendship until one day they both realized they’d been in love with each other the whole time? That depends, does he still have the beard?
28. Duck Phillips
He can’t hold his liquor, but he did once manage to wrestle Peggy’s loyalty away from Don. I got my eye on you, Duck.
27. Glen Bishop
No, my wife is not a pedophile, but as “Mad Men’s” own Betty and Glen have taught us, a grown woman is completely capable of emotionally cheating with a child. I can’t prove it, but I think she cut a clump out of her hair…
26. Michael Ginsberg
If my wife could suss out the sane from the insane she never would have married me in the first place. Anyone who can pitch an unsolicited Jaguar tag to Don and nail it definitely has what it takes to charm my intensely frustrated, clearly looking-for-the-door wife.
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