Cryptopsy’s music is what people who hate metal think of when they hear the phrase “death metal.” It’s chaotic and techy, can feel out of control, and often their lyrics are about violence and gore and other stuff that’s cool on paper and scary in real life. The band is fun, although they might not want people to think that. I don’t know. Metal bands are weird. Sometimes it’s all “we’re so mysterious and evil” but at other points, they’re just folks having a good time. And for a band that unfortunately has the word “Crypto” in their name, Cryptopsy is actually a lot of fun. So sit back, remember you will never be as good of a drummer as Flo and join as while we rank the Cryptopsy discography.
8. The Unspoken King (2008)
This isn’t a surprise to anyone who knows the band. Were this not put out by a legendary death metal band, it would just fade into the large pile of bland late-00’s deathcore albums. Because that’s what it is. The clean vocals are painful, but I guess the rest of the album is done adequately, even the *sigh* keyboards. But it’s just not what we want from Cryptopsy. Maroon 5 have enough talent in their band that they could probably put out a semi-decent hardcore record. But does anyone want that? No. Wait. Actually maybe? Come to think of it, just for the novelty, that would highly entertaining. However, nobody wanted this.
Play it again: Don’t.
Skip it: Correct.
7. Self-Titled (2012)
The return to form following “The Unspoken King,” the band’s self-titled album is like when you make regular mac and cheese after an ill-advised attempt at making it with all sorts of weird shit like broccoli and hot dogs and whatnot. It’s nice to get back to the OG vibe, but it’s still gonna take you a second to get your palate back to normal. Because that Trader Joe’s Sriracha is fine, but it sure as shit ain’t Huy Fong, so now everything tastes a little off. And while the internet says you can’t burn off your taste buds, it certainly feels like you did.
Play it again: “Shag Harbour’s Visitors,” and “Two-Pond Torch”
Skip it: “Ominous”
6. Once Was Not (2005)
Aside from the absolute ass production, Lord Worm’s return to the band is essentially when you hang out with your buddies from back in the day and it goes… ok. It’s not awful. We were all worried Steve was gonna talk about high school too much. But he only brought it up once or twice. And like, Ben is definitely in a cult, right? But he was pretty chill. Also Matt became crazy conservative, I think? But he never brought up politics, so that’s cool. And I think Lee is an anarchist now, which is tight. So honestly, considering how this could’ve gone, it’s pretty good. Not the best time, but definitely not the worst.
Play it again: “Carrionshine,” and “Adeste Infidelis”
Skip it: “Luminum,” and “The End”
5. As Gomorrah Burns (2023)
Is this the best Cryptopsy can do? No. Are there enough noodle parts? No. Is the production a little slick? Yes. But this album feels like a big step in the right direction. Essentially this is the “Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol” of Cryptopsy albums. It feels like it’s maybe a revitalization of where the band can go. This current iteration hasn’t quite hit “Rogue Nation” quality and nothing has gotten close to “Fallout.” But overall it does feel like in the next decade we might get some Henry Cavill with a mustache-level of shred from this band, and everybody wants that. We all want the mustache.
Play it again: “Ill Ender,” “Praise the Filth,” and “Lascivious Undivine”
Skip it: “In Abeyance” is a popular song, but we don’t get it.
4. …And Then You’ll Beg (2000)
This album gets shit on, but shouldn’t. This is one of those albums that had any crossover band put this out in 2000, the scene would’ve lost their fucking minds. But because a “metal” band did, lots of folks thought it wasn’t heavy enough, and found it too “hardcorey” or “jazzy” or “good.” This album makes me wish that if the band truly felt the need to branch out on “The Unspoken King” they had done so in a more Dillinger Escape Plan-type of way. Because this album is noodley as fuck, and we love it. As a sidenote, this album also gets exponentially better when you begin to realize that vocals kinda sound like Sweetums, the Muppet.
Play it again: “Voice of Unreason,” “…and Then It Passes,” and “Soar and Envision Sore Vision”
Skip it: “Screams Go Unheard” is a good song, but while the 2:15 intro sets a mood, it goes on 2 minutes too long.
3. Blasphemy Made Flesh (1994)
This album is goofy as fuck. The production is great. And by that, of course we mean the band understands that one of the most important instruments in metal is the bass. Because the bass is TURNED THE FUCK UP on this album. And all it makes us think is: why aren’t other bands turning that bass up? There are elements to this album that have a Sigh-esque Muppet quality to them. Which you gotta know is a compliment. And yeah, that’s two albums in a row with Muppet references. This shit is weird and silly and scary and chaotic. While it isn’t their best album it’s definitely one we come back to quite a bit.
Play it again: “Defenestration,” “Born Headless,” and “Abigor”
Skip it: no skips
2. Whisper Supremacy (1998)
A possible controversial take to put this at number 2 and not “Blasphemy Made Flesh.” But the reality is: this is a great album. As with “…And Then You’ll Beg” the vocals take a little adjustment to get used to, but only if you’re expecting Lord Worm. Because once you actually embrace the vocals, it’s hard to imagine Worm on this album. Like when your favorite pizza place starts adding a bit of Parmigianno-Reggiano to their pies. It gonna take a moment to get adjusted. You’re just so used to it being simply mozzarella, sauce, and dough. And now there’s just a slight kick from the parm. It’s great. But you need a sec. Change can be hard, buddy. But just know that regardless of me moving out, your mom and I love you very much, and nothing is gonna change that.
Play it again: “Cold Hate Warm Blood,” “Depth You’ve Fallen,” and “Emaciate.”
Skip it: no skips
1. None So Vile (1996)
This is the one. It’s got everything you want. All the vitamins and minerals. There are times when Lord Worm flat-out sounds like he was listening to a different album in the studio. I mean there are moments when my man has NO rhythm. His vocals on this album are like the dream when you have to play a show and get on stage and then realize you don’t know any of the songs. You might nail some parts. But mostly you’re just hoping you’re not yelling when the song ends. The thing is.. he crushes it. Lord Worm’s performance is no small part of this number-one ranking. This shit is wildly entertaining. It feels like at any moment the wheels are gonna come off, or the band is gonna stop and say “This is just TOO nuts, right? It’s 1998. The world ain’t ready for this.” But the world was. And Is. And always shall be. Amen.
Play it again: whole thing
Skip it: the fuck did you say?