SAN JOSE, Calif. — Breaking university-level research revealed the unpleasant truth that the sought-after record you’ve been looking for your whole life was in the crate you opted not to check, chagrined sources confirmed.
“It brings my team no joy to report this, please believe us. However, the cruel truth of the matter is, that particular sought-after album, no matter who you are, was in fact in that last crate you decided not to bother looking through. I’ll give you a moment to grieve,” said Dr. Taja Braithwaite, Head of Chemistry at San Jose State University, offering us a tissue. “We swear, we’ll get back to trying to cure diseases and prolonging the quality of life after this. The news is too depressing as it is, but it’s our duty to communicate this stuff, no matter what a bummer it may be.”
Most affected by this revelation are those customers whose lucky day was thwarted by ignoring those final milk crates full of potential deals.
“I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that the investigation was going to hit me and my ilk with bad news, but I could have never assumed it would be of this magnitude. I mean, with my hoarder’s mentality, I thought I was being healthy by not checking the last few dollar bins,” said frequent record buyer Emilio Hartough, as if trying to make sense of it all. “But, sometimes life just deals you a bad hand. I’ll never leave a store without checking every inch of it for a diamond in the coalmine ever again. Mark my words, I’m gonna live in those stacks until a pile crushes me to death.”
Longtime proprietor of San Jose’s popular record store “Scratchy’s Wax” Lenny “Scratchy” Hasselback was crestfallen to hear his profession’s cover was blown.
“Oh, we always put a few valuable ones deep in the dollar bins just to amuse ourselves. Creating a little chaos in the world is one of the few ways we record store schlubs can assert any manner of dominance in our meager existence, really,” said Kramer. “This study is definitely blowing up our spot, which, as you could imagine, sucks considerably. We’ll have to put a few of our best men on devising new and undetectable ways of fucking around with the clientele. Damn, we may have to start putting itching powder in the sleeves, huh?”
At press time, additional findings divulged data surrounding whether or not the records were autographed, which they absolutely were.