TOLLAND, Mass. — Local arms dealer Alex Corman made a reputation for himself by forcing his clients to hang out with him before they purchase any deadly weapons, confirmed sources who were in a hurry to leave.
“My clients range from governments, revolutionaries, private security firms, and guys who want to defend their studio apartments from danger — and I make them all hang out in my living room so I can have someone to talk to. Being an arms dealer can be quite lonely,” Corman explained. “It’s a simple system: If you want high-quality, reliable weaponry, you need to sit on my couch and watch me play Xbox for two to three hours. And, frankly, I think it’s working because, when those people finally leave my house? I’ve never seen anyone look happier.”
But while the practice has earned Corman quite the reputation, not everyone finds it entertaining.
“I don’t have time for this. I just want to buy a bunch of semiautomatic rifles so we can arm a South American militant group and stage a coup, but this guy won’t stop talking about how lizards smell by using their tongues to capture air particles. Sure, it’s a fun fact, but at what cost?” bemoaned an anonymous guerilla fighter. “I’ve started making up emergencies so I can get out of there quicker. Last week, I told him my grandmother was in the hospital. I shouldn’t have to do that. No one should be held hostage like that just because they need anti-tank weapons.”
In fact, Corman’s practices are so controversial, that it’s become a topic of discussion among federal law enforcement.
“It’s incredibly boring to monitor. Some people showed up the other week trying to buy uranium and he made them all listen to his new lo-fi trip hop album. It’s unbearable. You can almost hear the terrorists losing the will to live,” said Special Agent Harvey Wiggins of the ATF. “We’ve collected tons of evidence at this point, but no one wants to arrest the guy because they’d have to drive all the way out there and listen to his drawn-out anecdotes.”
At press time, Corman wondered if he should rethink his business model after seeing he had a two-star rating on Yelp and Google.