Someone has to say it: Dan Schneider is a piece of shit. He has recently faced significant media coverage and scrutiny over allegations of inappropriate behavior during his time at Nickelodeon, including when he was the producer on several “Log” infomercials. You would think that characters from “The Ren and Stimpy Show” would have had the moral proclivity to turn this guy in at the time, especially since this show’s creator has been accused of of sexually harassing and grooming former employees himself. Or would they? This is why we are exploring whether characters from “Ren and Stimpy” were complicit in Schneider’s Nickelodeon scandal.
30. Sven Höek
Svën is Ren’s cousin and has achieved a physical build identical to Stimpy. He also likes to show off his collection of used band-aids upon meeting new people. There’s just no way this European dog has any clue what’s going on behind the scenes at Nickelodeon. He’s more interested in adding to his jar of spit as a hobby.
29. Powdered Toast Man
Powdered Toast Man was the superhero we didn’t know we didn’t need. He may have a stature that would be feared among inferior breakfast foods and villainous sycophants like Schneider, but unfortunately this anthropomorphic slice of bread is oblivious to his surroundings at all times.
28. Stinky
Stinky is a species of flatulence. More specifically, he is Stimpy’s “fart child.” If parents can’t handle child-free adults referring to their pets as their children then they’re going to have a mental breakdown when they find out who Stimpy considers his offspring. But that’s beside the point. We all know intestinal gasses can’t distinguish between good and despicable behavior.
27. Mrs. Buttloaves
This woman once saved Ren’s life by administering CPR on him, so we know she does the right thing and therefore likely didn’t know about Schneider or else she would’ve thrown her personal elephant at him.
26. Walrus
The walrus has experienced severe trauma after being held captive by Mr. Horse. If he had seen anything, he likely would have told castmates to “call the police.”
25. Wilbur Cobb
This codger has a lot of tales to tell and he mostly regales them as body parts casually slide off of him. He’s the kind of guy everyone avoids in the office so there’s no way anyone would let him in on this Schneider thing and he’d never figure it out himself.
24. Jerry the Bellybutton Elf
“The Ren and Stimpy Show” is not short of deranged mythological creatures. This one-eyed elf lives in Stimpy’s bellybutton and often transforms into a massive porkchop named Adonis. Judging by Jerry’s off-grid anatomical dwelling situation, it is doubtful he had any idea of the Nickelodeon situation.
23. Jasper
Jasper wears a lot of hats on the show. However, none of his parts are very juicy so he’s not really on set enough to witness Schneider’s misconduct. Justice for Jasper.
22. Anthony
Anthony is a 10-year-old who is a fan of Ren and Stimpy as an on-screen comedic duo. However, his fandom comes into question when Anthony finds Ren taking a dump. Up until that point, he hadn’t realized that actors have bowel movements. This kid has just not yet made it to the stage of life where you mentally comprehend “inappropriate and misconduct allegations.”
21. Kowalski
This Lummox’s vocabulary is extremely underdeveloped. His favorite food is meat and his favorite drink is meat. You could tell Kowalski to his face exactly what Dan Schneider had been doing on the set and he still wouldn’t know what was going on.
20. Ghost
Ghosts are typically confined to one particular house to do their hauntings. Chances are Dan Schneider didn’t pull his weird shit at strangers’ houses so this ghost doesn’t know a damn thing.
19. Abner Dimwit and Ewalt Nitwit
As their not so subtle names suggest, these men are just not on the ball. They’re also law enforcement so they definitely have no idea what’s going on.
18. Baboon
This baboon may be aggressive, violent, and currently foaming at the mouth, but it doesn’t seem to have cognitive or critical thinking skills. Any misconduct he would’ve seen on set would have just gone over his head. This primate is much more interested in chewing on the full torso skin of a domesticated cat.
17. Waffle Woman
Waffle Woman is the arch nemesis of Powdered Toast Man and hellbent on revenge. She’s too focused on thwarting bread-based superheroes to know what’s going on behind the scenes at Nickelodeon.
16. Fire Chief
The Fire Chief is psychotic and often speaks in a rhythm that seems like he’s at his breaking point, just like many characters on this children’s show. Firefighters usually do the right thing, but you can never tell for sure when it comes to anyone in the “Ren and Stimpy” universe.
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