We all know the feeling: you’re sitting down with a big, sloppy chicken parm sandwich to revisit an old episode of Chopped when the commercials start. The light goes out of your eyes as you watch the timer slowly tick down the 120 seconds, cursing yourself for being too cheap to shell out the extra ten bucks a month for Hulu Premium as anthropomorphic bears rattle on incessantly about how they’re constantly shitting their collective brains out.
Are they really that one-dimensional, or is there something more to these bowel-moving Berenstain ripoffs than meets the eye? We recently sat down with them to find out.
The Hard Times: Hi everyone, how are you all doing?
Father Bear: We’re doing great, thanks to new Charmin Ultra Strong!
Son Bear: You bet! My hiney has never felt this clean!
HT: Oh…cool. Well, we’ve really been looking forward to this interview. It’s not every day that you get to interact with bears that can speak like humans. Do you know if there are other bears like you?
Mother Bear: Well, I can guarantee you no other bears have bottoms as clean as ours, thanks to Charmin.
Daughter Bear: You’ve sure got that right, Mom!
HT: Ugh, fine. Well, the fact that we’re speaking with you actually raises a pretty deep question about the nature of perception. Aristotle famously opined that the ability to reason and reflect is what separates human consciousness from that of animals. The fact that I’m able to have this conversation with you, however, completely upends such an assertion. When did you realize that you had this remarkable ability to not only rationally perceive of your positions in your respective environments, but to communicate openly with human beings?
FB: When I was stranded in the bathroom with single-ply TP! It was terrible!
MB: Oh yes, I remember that, dear! Luckily, I had just returned home with a Mega Roll of Charmin Ultra Gentle.
FB: I was able to get my bottom Charmin-clean with no chafing!
HT: Jesus Christ. Well, we honestly can’t even humor you on this subject. We just had a bidet installed in our office, and —
DB: What the fuck did you just say?
HT: Uh, we haven’t really needed to spring on name-brand toilet paper since we got a bidet.
FB: Are you fucking kidding me? We wouldn’t have signed onto this interview if we knew it was being conducted by pretentious bidet users! I’ve never been so furious in my life!
MB: Oh no, look what you’ve done. I can’t say you motherfuckers don’t deserve it.
HT: Wait, what?
SB: Get ‘em, Dad!
FB: RAAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!
At that point we hurried the fuck out of their weird, animated house with a gigantic, red-furred bear hot on our trail. Luckily he had this goofy-ass gait using only his hind legs, so we managed to escape pretty easily. Better luck next time, we guess.