BANGOR, Maine — The Ghost of Downing Manor was reportedly feeling pressure to be “on” and haunt the family that just moved into his house despite not really being in the mood to entertain guests, paranormal sources confirmed.
“It’s not that I don’t enjoy scaring the shit out of people, but I just drove the last family out of the house screaming a couple days ago and I was hoping to have a little ‘me time’ before I had any more new guests,” said the specter, watching the family unpack through the eye holes of an oil painting. “Nobody understands that it takes a lot of energy to think of creative ways to haunt people—you have to strike the right balance so you scare them enough that they leave, but not so much that they try to find the source of your eternal trauma and banish your soul to purgatory forever. I just need a couple of days to recharge and then I’ll feel mentally prepared to spray ectoplasm out of the shower and drop a chandelier on the table during dinner.”
New homeowner Stuart Barnes was reportedly unimpressed with the apparition’s efforts after scarcely witnessing so much as a door unnaturally slamming shut over the entire weekend.
“I didn’t sell our old house, pack up my family, and move into the infamous ‘Downing Murder House’ just for some sad sack ghost to half-ass his haunting duties,” said Barnes, unscrewing the single hanging light bulb leading to the creepy attic. “This was supposed to be a traumatizing new chapter in our lives that we’d never fully recover from, but this ghost can’t even be bothered to briefly appear in the mirror and then disappear when I turn around. And would it kill him to smear a little blood on the walls? My five-year old isn’t even having any nightmares, and that kid is scared of the Mucinex booger.”
The signs of a haunting were reportedly so slim that Barnes called in a paranormal investigator to determine if there was even a ghost in the house at all.
“This EKG reading barely shows a hint of paranormal activity, confirming my worst fears—this lazy new generation of poltergeists doesn’t even want to haunt anymore!” said ghost hunter Dale Parsons, sweeping the dusty manor for signs of spectral activity. “These modern ghouls are so big on boundaries and flexible haunting hours that they forget the thrill of tormenting a man night after night until they slowly drive them to the brink of madness. Now, if you’re lucky enough to move into a house with a Victorian-era ghost you’ll see some real work ethic—even the creepy child ghosts will ask you to come play with them at all hours of the night. But these lazy ghosts nowadays won’t even rattle a cabinet after 5pm on a Friday.”
At press time, Barnes was reportedly similarly frustrated after a late-night encounter in the woods with a werewolf wearing a “Not Friendly—Do Not Pet!” vest.