DENVER — A multinational non-renewable energy corporation is attempting to pin all of Earth’s environmental problems on an individual from Colorado, according to sources who are just glad it’s not them to blame.
“The oil, coal and natural gas industries are doing everything they can to mitigate the effects of their products on the environment,” said spokesperson Alexis Stevens while tenderly cleaning oil from a baby duck. “But all of our efforts won’t make a bit of difference if consumers don’t do their part. Our research shows that the majority of the world’s current environmental issues are due to one Stewart Dubois of Denver, Colorado. Mr. Dubois has repeatedly demonstrated his disregard for the welfare of the planet by consistently putting the wrong items in recycling bins, as well as by owning a grossly inefficient vehicle. For shame, Mr. Dubois, for shame.”
Dubois was taken aback by the accusation, but said he will attempt to lessen his impact on the planet.
“Gee whiz, I had no idea I was causing such a problem,” said Dubois. “I do try to recycle, but between work, taking care of my kids and volunteering at the food pantry I admit I’ve let it fall by the wayside. As far as my gas-guzzler: I promise I’ll sell my ‘65 Charger, as much as I love it. It really does have bad gas mileage. I only drive it a few times a year to the local car show and had no idea it was producing enough pollution to cause a global catastrophe! I appreciate the oil and gas people pointing out my failures, and I promise to do better.”
Environmental activists have pushed back against the oil industry’s attempts to pass the buck.
“This is just another cynical attempt by corporations to blame consumers for problems they’ve caused,” said The Sierra Club’s Greg Lambert. “Only five percent of plastic that is intended to be recycled actually is, while the rest is thrown away. It’s all performative nonsense meant to shame the public into thinking it’s their fault the Earth is going to shit. This is similar to when a desperate Bear Stearns tried to blame the 2008 financial crisis on a Missouri man who was a few days late on his mortgage payment.”
At press time, Dubois had promised to ride his bicycle 49 hours to an upcoming conference in Omaha in an effort to lessen his carbon footprint.