PARIS — A local hardcore show instantly achieved immediate legendary status after Olympic legend Simone Biles single-handedly opened up the pit with a perfect double layout with half twist, impressed show attendees reported.
“I was just looking to celebrate with the team after racking up all those medals, and we wandered into a Birds in Row show near the Olympic Village. I was getting really into it and I was still amped from the awards ceremony, so I knocked out one of my signature floor moves, and the next thing I know the club just descended into complete chaos,” said Biles. “Some big dudes started doing cartwheels and somersaulting into the knees of people standing on the edge of the pit and I can’t say everyone’s form is as good as mine, but they definitely have the energy. The team and I were impressed by some of the people using the stage monitor as a springboard to stage dive, but until then they can stay the hell out of my way because if they play ‘Cathedrals’ I’m turning into a human windmill.”
Showgoers immediately fed off of Biles’ energy but had to exercise extreme caution around her.
“I heard there were Americans in the crowd trying to show up the locals, so I threw myself into the pit just for someone to launch me into the merch table 20 feet away. I was gonna fuck them up until I saw it Simone Biles and the entire goddamn US gymnastics team casually doing consecutive double layouts,” said local Raphael Bernard. “Seriously, it felt like I was hit in the chest by a jackhammer. I’ve fought crowdkillers half as intimidating as her, so if tonight we have to change the phrase to ‘no dick in the pit,’ I’m on board if it means I won’t bleed internally.”
Former Olympic coaches were not surprised Biles was absolutely tearing it up, and noted there is a long history connecting gymnastics and the hardcore scene.
“You’d be shocked how many transferable skills there are in gymnastics and decimating people in a mosh pit. I mean have you seen the size of the U.S. team’s legs? Many athletes who’ve been in the program also became scene legends wherever the Olympics were taking place,” said former assistant coach Cheryl Smith. “I’ll never forget Mary Lou Retton going straight from her historic all around gold medal performance to fucking everyone up with two-stepping backflips at a Bad Black show back in ‘84. That was some good shit.”
By the end of the show, Biles had created three new moves after successfully landing multiple gymnastic moves while hanging from the venue’s rafters