WASHINGTON — The US State Department held an emergency press conference this morning expressing that it was honestly a little bit insulted that the CIA was not invited to participate in Venezuela’s allegedly rigged election, officials have confirmed.
“We’re not saying the Venezuelan government can’t pack the election commission with loyalists, it just would’ve been nice to be invited that’s all. Sure we tried to plot a coup to oust Maduro, but we said we’re sorry and those sanctions were just for show! But finding this all out from a Snapchat from Argentina about Maduro claiming victory before the votes were even counted was a dagger through the heart,” said CIA spokesperson Jeff Wallace. “Now the official U.S. response has to be about condemning the election’s ‘integrity and transparency’ and not because they never asked for weapons to squash the opposition.”
Venezuelan government officials stated that they are able to hold a sham election without the United States hovering over them.
“We love the CIA’s work, but they don’t have to be involved with every backdoor shadow government scheme in Latin America. It’s hard enough maintaining a vice-like grip on an election when half your country lives below poverty, but I think we learned enough from them over the past 40 years where we can fly on our own. We’re totally capable of deploying our own machine gun toting paramilitary loyalists to prevent opposition voters from protesting the results,” said Hector Cordero. “We appreciate their efforts to control the region, but President Maduro wants to prove to the world that his cabinet can be openly violent and corrupt all by itself.”
Historians noted that this break from letting the CIA interfere with an election was nothing short of historic.
“Manipulating elections is as American as apple pie, and as nefarious as that sounds the CIA has every right to feel like Maduro is being a backstabbing bitch. Not even a text like ‘hey, can you help us block an opposition party nomination and crush a former diplomat in this election?’ or anything,” said Margaret Furman. “Venezuela is acting like they’re too good for assistance from a resource hungry superpower in exchange for oil. It’s a little ungrateful if you ask me, and it’ll probably blow up in their faces when the inevitable coup arrives and the U.S. won’t help Maduro flee.”
As of press time, the CIA announced that in an act of retaliation, Venezuela would be sanctioned from attending the agency’s Christmas party.