BOSTON – Researchers at Harvard University studying the negative effects of phone usage before bed concluded that nothing fucking matters and you should do whatever you want if you it makes you feel good.
“Honestly, at this point, who cares?” explained Harvard neuropsychologist Dr. Melissa Claremont. “We know you’re not reading those articles on circadian rhythms. So fuck it, here’s a ‘study’ that just lets you do what you were going to do anyway. For our method, we basically took two groups, experimental and control, and told them both to just do whatever they want since we only have about 35 liveable years left on this planet. So far we haven’t noticed any major differences between the two groups, but to be fair that’s mostly because none of us really give a shit anymore.”
Study participant Jeremiah Mosley reports on his experience as being part of the experimental group.
“It was great,” Mosley said. “Finally, a scientific study that’s just about living in the moment and enjoying yourself. I had a feeling all that ‘blue light causes severe sleep deprivation’ stuff was just a scam by Big Science to bum us all out. I was able to catch up on so much Tik Tok I somehow ended up on UFC queer theories. Cool shit. In general, I feel healthy as ever. I’ve been meaning to mail a thank you card to the researchers, but it’s a little hard to get to the Post Office since I only sleep during daylight hours.”
Still, others question the validity of the study.
“It goes against the mountains of evidence to suggest that the phone’s blue light actually causes damage to our moods, our sleep patterns, and our ability to focus and stay alert,” said psychologist Dr. Linda Hoffman. “This study perpetuates a dangerous complacency with the pervasiveness of screens in our everyday life—”
Unfortunately, Dr. Hoffman’s interview was cut short due to loud booing and fart noises coming from her colleagues in the lab.
At press time, Clavicle’s team was working on a study suggesting that an attention span of 25 seconds is actually a sign of intelligence and not a threat to either brain chemistry or society on the whole.