WASHINGTON — Former President Donald Trump announced his latest merch launch, a $60 Bible that will the Pledge of Allegiance, Lee Greenwood lyrics, and limited edition Blu-ray discs of the first few seasons of “The Apprentice,” sources currently under oath in several ongoing treason trials confirmed.
“This is a great book. I gotta tell ya – I love it so much. I read the whole thing cover to cover every night, I do. I’m a very fast reader, one of the fastest readers. I actually read at a 27th-grade level, doctors can’t believe it. But we’ve added my show ‘The Apprentice,’ a very nice show, it won every award possible. So many awards it’s tough to count, and I don’t think you’re ever gonna find a better Bible than this one,” said Trump while holding up the book as though it was actively hurting him. “All the old stuff is in here. All the old Bible – “Bible classic” some people are calling it. Lots of stories about Jesus and all the boys. They were all in the desert – sounds like fun – they loved sand!”
Ardent Trump supporter Constance Cramer appeared elated about the dual release of a book and TV show which are both readily available to borrow from almost every library.
“The bible AND ‘The Apprentice!’ Well what in the hell am I still doing with this old hunk of shit?” questioned Crammerer while tossing her fifth-generation family Bible directly into a trash compactor. “The deep state won’t show reruns of ‘The Apprentice’ on the TV anymore and it makes me sick. And not to mention it comes with the chorus of ‘God Bless the USA’ handwritten by Lee Greenwood himself. You can’t put a price tag on something that special.”
Biblical scholar Abner Drevlian explained what this new bible could mean for the future of religious study.
“Christian theology is a constantly evolving field of study. We discover new documents and form new interpretations constantly which have to be taken into account when we discuss biblical matters. And this Trump Bible is no different,” began Drevlian. “I mean, think about how this is going to look when the rapture happens and a whole bunch of goons bought some con man’s cash grab with his dumbass show tucked in the cover. Oh boy, I do not envy the scribe who has to write out ‘Revelations: Part 2,’ you know?”
At press time, Trump announced free shipping for anyone who donates $250 to help cover his legal expenses.