BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local centrist Harris Miller revealed that he doesn’t care who wins the 2024 presidential election as long as each candidate has a blast running for office, confirmed sources.
“Everything is so political these days, especially politics and I just think that’s wrong,” said Miller, eating a plate of jalapeño poppers while his friends heatedly brought up the Supreme Court overthrowing Roe v Wade. “Because, regardless of whether it’s Republicans doing objectively racist nonsense, or Democrats selling out their base and giving in to corporate interests, what’s most important is both sides having a good time. I mean, they’re called parties for a reason: they’re supposed to be fun! And let’s be honest, it’s not like it’s a matter of life or death. At least not for me.”
Miller’s self-proclaimed “chillaxed” centrist worldview apparently also extends far beyond politics.
“It’s genuinely mind-numbing. He fence sits on everything and then just spins it as being a pragmatist,” said Maria Connors, Miller’s ex-girlfriend. “I honestly didn’t think anybody could watch ‘Star Wars,’ see what the Empire was doing, and think ‘Let’s not jump to conclusions. We should hear them out.’ But Harris did. I’m not joking. He actually said that. Verbatim. And I’m not talking about the prequels. He said that during the original ‘Star Wars’ after the Death Star blows up that planet.”
Theresa Williams, Professor of Political Science at UVM, believes Miller’s unwillingness to pick a side based on “not wanting to be a bummer” is becoming more and more common.
“We’re seeing this alarming pattern take hold. As nationalism, police brutality, and hate crimes rise at a shocking pace, there seems to be this new assumption that taking either side of any issue is automatically extreme. Even if that issue is being racist or not being racist,” said Williams. “So now more and more people are taking what appears to be an extreme centrist stance in response. The centrist of today wants to make sure everyone ‘vibes out’ by entirely disregarding common sense, human decency, and science. It’s frustrating for those of us that need to know if we have to block you on social media or not. Give us something.”
At press time, Miller was overheard telling his friends to stop worrying about the climate crisis and come “bro down” at his parents’ summer house.