After months of going back and forth, it appears Musk is finally planning to step down as CEO of Twitter, claiming his replacement will start work in 6 weeks. Here’s what we know so far:
Twitter’s new CEO is rumored to be NBCUniversal’s Linda Yaccarino, a woman he has repeatedly confirmed is a woman.
She’s a woman.
Yaccarino first caught Musk’s attention after he witnessed some witty banter she exchanged with NBC executive Jack Donaghy
No one correct him until papers have been signed.
Elon became dissatisfied with Twitter’s inability to malfunction and eventually explode
“What’s the point?”
Musk will remain CEO of Martian Twitter
Martian Twitter users will still have to forfeit a portion of their water rations to retain blue checkmarks.
Musk was impressed by Yaccarino’s ability to execute cutaway jokes in conversation
“She can just say stuff like ‘Hey Tracey, remember your Halloween novelty song?’ and then suddenly we all see Tracey Jordan as a werewolf singing about Jewsish kids. That’s what leadership looks like.”
The Boring Company founder assures users that the new Twitter CEO will continue to destroy the platform
“I would never appoint someone who didn’t have the erosion of media as we know it at the top of their agenda.”
Musk’s first pick for CEO is still in critical condition after Musk decided to demonstrate that they were bulletproof
The former CEO candidate is still available for pre-order.
Musk is rumored to be excited at the prospect of getting into high jinks with Kenneth
“He’s dumb and low status, but he’s sort of the heart of the operation over there.”
Musk finalized his decision after learning he could be his own boss selling CutCo knives over the phone
“Always check your spam folder, you never know what opportunities could be hiding in there.”
Musk seems to believe he will now be in charge of “The Pranksmen”
Again, until the ink is dry, everyone keep your mouths shut.
Elon says he will help ease new CEO into their role by sharing his reserve of stolen memes from Ebaumsworld
“A little tactful cropping and it’s your meme now!”
Twitter users will only be able to retweet articles from Babylon Bee
People need to see the funny side of white Christian nationalism.
Initially, Musk only meant he was stepping down from the apple box he uses to appear taller than 6’4″ senior dev ops engineer Justin Grinkley
It was more step-effective to just fire Justin
The new CEO will be required to pay $8 a month to retain their role
It’s the only way to make sure they’re legit.
Musk’s initial choice for successor was a bucket of clams because of how funny that would be
“A bucket of clams would actually be a terrible choice, because it does not have the skill set or thumb dexterity required to lead a major tech company, so you should be laughing.”
Musk promises to continue the time-honored tradition of publicly questioning employees’ disability status in front of an audience of tens of millions
“You think being in a wheelchair is hard, try being rich with self-diagnosed Asperger’s!”
Elon will commemorate the new CEO’s tenure by his driving Tesla truck through a crowded employee lounge
“Let that ‘sink in’”
Musk predicts the change will reduce the number of assassins sent back in time to kill him by 30% over the next 5 years
“Until then, the robots will just have to keep having my back.”
You can count the number of times Twitter has made you happy on one hand
It’s been over a decade, why are you still using this?