BLUFFINGTON — Roger Klotz, son of famed monster truck driver Edwina Klotz and former middle school bully, is “a fucking cop now with a gun and everything,” concerned but not at all surprised former classmates confirmed.
“I live in Bloatsburg now, but I still come home to Bluffington often to see my parents and check in on my old neighbor Mrs. Dink, ever since Mr. Dink died of brain cancer,” said Klotz’s former schoolmate Doug Funnie. “I was driving down Jumbo Street yesterday when a cop pulled me over — I wasn’t speeding, so I didn’t know what it was about. That’s when I heard, ‘License and registration, Funnie Face.’ It was Roger fucking Klotz!”
“He’s bald now, has a mustache, and put on about 30 pounds, but it was him alright,” Funnie added. “Crazy. I definitely need to tell Patty Mayonnaise about this. You guys know her? Does she ever ask about me?”
Local activist and lifelong Bluffington resident Skeeter Valentine has had several run-ins with Ofc. Klotz.
“A few weeks back, I was attending a ‘Blue Lives Matter’ rally to take a stand against police brutality… but apparently the name caused some confusion, and drew a bunch of pro-cop demonstrators, too,” said Valentine. “A fight inevitably broke out, and as I tried to get out of the melee, I heard Ofc. Klotz scream, ‘Sayonara, Skeetface!’ before bashing my blue head with a billy club. Not cool, man. Next thing I know, my arms and legs are zip-tied, and I’m in the back of Klotz’s police cruiser. Honk, honk.”
While his peers are mostly upset by Klotz’s career choice, retired assistant principal and champion clog dancer Lamar Bone believes Klotz is a “fine cop.”
“Roger was a straight D student, a sociopathic bully, and even repeated sixth grade twice: basically, all the makings of an excellent police officer,” explained Bone. “Maybe he wasn’t the best student, but the police force needs violent thugs like him — otherwise everything would be all higgledy piggledy.”
Ofc. Klotz has since been placed on paid leave after forcing his former high school rival Chalky Studebaker to spend an entire night in Stinsen’s pond trying to catch a nematode.