November 2020 - Page 15 of 22

Opinion: Biden Can Kiss My Fat Ass if He Thinks He Can Tax the $400,000 I Don’t Have Yet

Kevin Tit • November 10, 2020

Fuck Joe Biden. Plain and simple. Who does that commie bastard think he is trying to raise taxes on blue-collar…

gas leak, guitar, skateboard, leather, dead, sleep, white noise, punk house, dirty, scary

Punk House White Noise Machine Turns Out to be Gas Leak

Danny Taverner • November 10, 2020

DALLAS — Residents of the local punk house The Lincoln Memorial learned yesterday that the white noise machine they thought…

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Coward Hour Coil Exclusive – RIP

Coward Hour • November 10, 2020

Coward Hour is the least-informed podcast in America. Each week, leading cowards/disgraced comedians Brendan Krick & Nik Oldershaw spiral on…

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Horrified Mario Regrets Triple Jumping Into H.R. Giger Painting

Patrick Coyne • November 9, 2020

METRO KINGDOM — Local adventurer Mario Mario is allegedly trapped inside an unsettling painting by modern artist H.R. Giger after…

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Review: ‘Assassin’s Creed Valhalla’ Brilliantly Uses Viking Lore to Tell a Story of Fatherh—OK I’m Realizing Now I’m Playing ‘God of War’

Jeremy Kaplowitz • November 9, 2020

Assassin’s Creed Valhalla, Ubisoft’s brilliant new adventure in gaming that lets you take on the life of a powerful viking,…

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subway, yellow, black, dirty, hat, girl, young, harassment, weird, scary, uncomfortable

Hideous, Oversized Uniform Polo Shirt Insufficient Shield From Creepy Regular’s Eyes

Lauren Lavín • November 9, 2020

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Local sandwich artist Allison Kim’s spacious, work-issued polo shirt did little to block a well-known customer’s intense,…

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car, time machine, back to the future, red, blue, vest, phone, drunk

Marty McFly Now Mostly Using Time Machine to Un-Drunk Dial Ex

Louie Aronowitz • November 9, 2020

HILL VALLEY, Calif. — Marty McFly admitted today that he now mostly uses his time machine to go back in…

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Nazi Not Sure How To Tell Family He Voted For Biden

Kevin Tit • November 9, 2020

HANOVER, Pa. — Local Nazi, Kyle Rumbley, is unsure how to tell his family he voted for Joe Biden after…

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If Wine Can Sit in a Cellar for Decades Then This Week Old Coffee Table Beer Is Fine

Rose Vineshank • November 9, 2020

Let me get one thing straight. This may be a punk house, but we’re upper-crust-punks. Whatever I offer my guests…

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Guitar Solo Just Verse Melody

Tim Nash • November 9, 2020

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local pop-punk group Dorm Room Philosophers reportedly fought over songwriting technique yesterday while recording their new album,…

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