John Danek
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The internet is buzzing with excitement over the next new craze in the coffee world: pour over coffee made entirely…
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Jeremy Kaplowitz
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ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local roleplaying enthusiast Susan Warburton, confirmed to be “true neutral” on the alignment chart by close friends…
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Aries (March 21-April 19) Mercury is finally out of the dickhead zone for you, so enjoy the reprieve. Use the…
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Lucas Passarella
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WALNUT CREEK, Calif. — Busy Bean Café barista Zeynab Polykarpos is reportedly unaware that pop-punk frontman and frequent customer Johnny…
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Patrick Coyne
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Punk’s not dead, right? Spoiler alert, dipshit! According to this fan theory, punk has been dead for decades. Not only…
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Mark Roebuck
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GOTHAM CITY, N.J. — Administrators of Gotham General Hospital have issued a statement to the city’s famed vigilante crusader, imploring…
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JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Rockville mayor “Rowdy” Randy Holmes was removed from his elected position this morning after being deemed unfit…
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M.J. Amory
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NANTICOKE, Pa. — After going through an arduous divorce, horrified witnesses reported that local resident Andrew Stone said “fuck it”…
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Michael Edwards
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STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. — Measureworks IT technician Jeff Simmins left dozens of bar patrons perplexed last night after singing “Svefn-g-englar”…
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Ed Saincome
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With poser-ass S&M bullshit like 50 Shades of Grey and the word “cuck” infiltrating the mainstream culture like never before…
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